Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"I've been down so long that the end must be drawing near."

October 5, 2010

Ok, I know that lately I haven't been writing and when I do it is usually me writing about my frustrations and how angry and sad I get. Having said that, I just have one more thing to say and then I'll tell you some good tings...if there are any...

I haven't really cried here. In fact I feel like crying a lot but for some reason I just don't. Back in the states I would cry during a baby commercial for goodness sake. I don't know if its because here I feel like I need to be strong or if I have lost that part of me. Some would say maybe it's good that I don't cry as much but I disagree. Crying is a release and one that I used often before to keep my spirits high and be able to laugh. I used to be able to get my sadness out and move on. Here, I am fading. Fading into someone I don't recognize. Someone who is angry all the time. Someone who gets so frustrated but wears a smile to hide it.
I laugh, I joke, I smile but it's not the same. The dark times consume me and yet I don't acknowledge them the way I should. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think I am just changing. Becoming synical but synical with a smile on my face so noone knows. Of course fellow PCV's know what I am going through because I lean on them when it's unbearable and they lean on me. It's a simple give and take. One day I will be the one saying, "Don't give up, it's supposed to be like this, feel like this." The next day I will be the one saying, "I can't do this, it's too hard. I can't change these behaviors. We're in over our heads."

Today was one of those days that I needed help. Help to understand why I'm here. Help to understand why people are the way they are. Though I want to cry and scream and hide, I am still here because of the support I have here. However sometimes I wish that I hadn't made these connections; not just with other PCV's but with Batswana as well(especially the children). It would be easy to go home if I didn't care. It would be easy to abandon if I didn't see hope. It would be easy to hate. It IS easier to hate, but I don't let myself go down that road...not now and hopefully not ever. I struggle to love the way I thought was easiest because there is so much anger inside me. I am not comfortable feeling angry. I am not comfortable with me.
I don't even know if writing what happened today will really show what it's like here somedays, some hours, some minutes. In fact, I am certain that when I am finsihed with my service noone but other Botswana PCV's will understand and that makes me feel alone. I could write and write and I woudn't be able to express the way my heart aches for the students who are neglected. There is an immense pain growing within me and it is tearing me down. I don't think I will try to explain. I will say that there must be good there. There must be a reason I feel so strongly. The pain I feel is not even an ounce compaed to the suffering I see daily. If I didn't stay, if I didn't care so much, who would? That is what allows me to smile, to laugh, to play and to continue my journey of self-discovery. To challenge myself to push past this anger that is so foreign to me, to push beyond the hurt and to love. Plain and simple.

Keep me and the people I share my life with here in your thoughts.
Peace and Love,


  1. This is mom, Amy shared this last blog with me. I have to first say your writing is so poetic even though it is sad, you are a very talented writer. Theres something I want you to remember- My doctor also spoke of that special bond thats in the heart of people who see suffering and injustice but he did say that people that are in things like the peace corps or war do have to hang on harder to who they are. Sometimes the change doesn't reverse, although the gift you give during your time makes up for that. The great spirit warned about these times that are coming, Americans have no clue unless you get right down in it like you are. Pray for strength daily but also listen to reason- you can help here too. And the votes in...1 year is enough! Your childhood was different enough, good and bad, so I think you can handle it even though it seems so hard right now. We love you so much. Peace.

    This is Amy- sorry about Mom, I have to listen to her everyday haha. I love you very much and will continue to pray for you and everyone there with you. You are doing amazing work over there but remember that what is important to us is your well-being. Call/text/fly home anytime you want...we'll always be here for you too. I miss you!

  2. COME VISIT ME IN ETHIOPIA!!!! I'm leaving tomorrow, should arrive on the 7th...Debre Zeyit...seriously...would LOVE to see you again! Thinking of you and all the PCV-ers. <3

  3. Mom and Amy- Thank you so much for your words. It's been tough but just remember that I don't hold back my feelings and what you read is me letting it all out. I feel better in some ways and I know I will get through this particular bump. And Mom, don't hold your breath for me coming home in a year, these kids have a hold on my heart and I don't know if I could be another person who leaves them behind. But hopefully my visit will be sufficient enough:)

    Chelsea- WHAT?! That's amazing! We will meet again for sure! I'd love to go there!

  4. Hello my Princess,

    You almost had me crying when you were discussing the kids and the hope you have for them. I appreciate you letting it all out in your blogs (I still have to catch up on some). What you are doing is by no means an easy feat but you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know and I am proud of you for what you are doing. Already you have changed the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of people from children to adults all over the place! You are a wonderfully caring person and I know this is easy for me to say from "the states" but don't lose site of that. Sounds like you haven't. :) I understand the frustrations of feeling helpless or wanting to do more but you were already kicking ass the moment you stepped off that plane just by being there! I could never do what you're doing and I have the utmost respect and appreciation for you.

    Chin up pup, you are unskoppable!