It’s been a while, my apologies! There’s really no excuse to not be writing especially because I am just wrapping up my schools summer break which was 6 weeks long. I was surprisingly busy which in Peace Corps is a great and sometimes rare thing! I’ll begin with my time spent at the Bobirwa Youth Forum:
Early December- A Youth Forum takes place a few times a year in different regions in the country. Students are chosen from surrounding schools in the chosen region and invited to participate in a week long program which focuses on empowering youth. When I arrived I felt like I was back in my familiar territory, a camp-like setting. I was happy to see kids running around and playing! For that week I stayed in a hostel with some students and a teacher. I was given the oldest girls hostel and we all immediately bonded. The language barrier was quite a challenge because I was in the Eastern region of Botswana where the children’s’ English is not as good as it is in my village being so close to Gaborone, the capital. Although the girls were older they had trouble communicating with me but I found a way to connect with them anyways!
Boy was it HOT up there! I woke up every morning drenched in sweat and covered in dead bugs...yeah gross. I actually don’t even know what kind of bugs they were, not mosquitos because they’re somewhat yellow but they fly around the lights but when the lights turn off they fall to the ground and seem to die...I don’t know but let me tell you, disgusting. It didn’t help that I was on a top bunk right above the light. Heat rising, bugs falling...perfect.
Ok...so on to the craziness that was my witchcraft encounter, no joke. No one told us that Bobirwa district was a ‘witchcraft’ district. Of course if they had told me it wouldn’t have actually mattered because I would have brushed it off like I always respect but don’t believe all the stories about witches (Botswana and a lot of the African continent have strong beliefs in witchcraft) Anyways, in another hostel there was a little girl about 7 years old with a few other children and adults. One night the little girl was claiming to be called by her ancestors to come outside. Now this is a common belief of Batswana that ancestors sometimes come and take you away for celebrations and/or duties and then bring you back...eventually. When I say ancestors I mean dead ones and when I say come and take you I mean literally you go with them and disappear into another realm or world. Clearly I am no expert in explaining the belief in ancestry or witchcraft but this is the only way I can explain it in terms you’ll understand...who am I kidding I still don’t even fully understand. Ok, so back to the little girl. She said that her ancestors wanted to take her but there was too strong of a conflicting presence in the room. It turns out the conflicting presence was one of the adults who was a Christian and was wearing a glow in the dark rosary. The ancestors could not cross the threshold to take the little girl away because of the strong energy of Christianity. Are you still with me? After speaking with multiple Batswana at the youth forum about what was happening I was told not to worry because we can’t interfere with the energies. When I asked, “Why isn’t the little girl scared of being taken by ghosts or spirits or whatever they are?” The reply was that “ancestors aren’t bad spirits and people want to be taken because it’s their duty to go. They are always returned back to their lives in a matter or days or months.” Yes, I said months. According to belief a lot of people just poof, disappear and are returned a month later. Golly gee I just don’t know.
Without going on and on about this I will tell you a story that a child told about what happened to him:
One 14 year old boy said (and I am paraphrasing here but this is pretty close to exact words) “Three weeks ago 6 albino mongaloids came into my room and put a piece of red carpet on the floor. They told me to poop on it. They told me I couldn’t poop again until they came back to get more. I can’t go to the bathroom anymore and it hurts.” Now, I asked a few of the people working with me at the forum, “Why doesn’t someone give him laxatives to help him go so he’s not in pain?” To which they replied, “Oh no, no we can’t interfere with the ancestors! He has to wait until they come back to collect.” I knew right at that moment that I was in way over my head with this ancestor/witchcraft business. If grown adults believe that this young boy has to sit in pain for weeks and weeks not going to the bathroom because he must wait for the spirits to come back I was lost. The seriousness in beliefs are strong and who am I to interfere...I mean even if I wanted to that wouldn’t be right, right? I thought that I was over the culture shock of it all but after that week and learning so much about the beliefs and customs I was thrown back on my butt and splashed with a cultural wake-up call! Do I believe in witchcraft? Well I don’t think so but at the same time seeing and hearing what I did I can’t say for sure now. At first when I arrived in my village people would tell me that their parent or friend died and when I said, “oh I’m so sorry, how did they die?” I would get a lot of this, “Well, the witches got him.” I kind of used to think oh geez, am I in the twilight zone or what? How do you tell someone “No, the witches didn’t kill your Dad, he must have died from something else” Who do I think I am if I were to do that?! I wouldn’t but that doesn’t mean I don’t think their thoughts may be a little deluded...but then again how would I know? Call me confused because that’s what I am when it comes to witchcraft and things that I can never begin to understand.
Well....in short (I know, I know, that’s not possible with me) the youth forum was great. Tiring, hot, a lot of emotional draining things which I don’t have the heart to mention now, but it was amazing to see the children transform and leave with some great skills. I will for sure go to the next one and I am curious if it will be as interesting as my witch adventure!
Mid December- This will be shorter I promise! Another volunteer organized an Alcohol Awareness Youth Camp in her village which is in the Western part of the country. Her village is called New Xade and it is a settlement where many of the residents were taken from the CKGR (Central Kalahari Game Reserve) and made to relocate there because of mining for diamonds and such. I won’t get into the politics of it but it is sad to see people taken from their homes, uprooted and placed somewhere else. The togetherness and strength these Batswana have is beautiful.
A few volunteers were invited to bring some of their skills to the program, me being one of them. I did a team building activity that went well, or the best it could have gone seeing that the language barrier was the toughest I’ve run into. In New Xade they do not speak Setswana. In fact it was the first time I heard the “clicks” that is so stereotypical when people think of African language. I thought Setswana was hard...heck no, not compared to the clicks. I even tried and tried but my mouth just won’t allow me to do it!
I am so happy I got to travel to these other villages in different parts of the country because I have been somewhat stuck in my South East region for the past 8 months. A change in venue is sometimes what’s needed!
Late December/Early January- VACATION! Firstly, I’ll say that though Christmas is gone I still don’t feel like I missed it or that it even exists here. Sure, the holidays are just as important to Batswana as they are to Americans but it’s just different. The weather is scorching and it doesn’t feel right to be wearing a tank top and shorts and sweating. Well, maybe that feels normal to someone from Arizona but not me from Massachusetts where Christmas time means snow, hot chocolate and frozen limbs. Don’t get me wrong I DO NOT wish I was freezing and having to wait for my car to heat up just to survive but I missed the 'feeling’ of a real Christmas. In a way it made being away from family easier because it didn’t feel like it was even occurring. The downside of that however is seeing pictures and knowing that yes, indeed Christmas time DID happen...and it happened without me. How rude!
Anyways...I had an amazing Indian dinner with about 40 other volunteers on Christmas Eve and awoke Christmas morning only to put on my bathing suit and go to a pool at a hotel with all of them and sizzle in the sun! So though it didn’t feel like Christmas, it felt good to be around people and enjoying basking in the rays!
One the 29th of December my friend Caitlin and I began our adventure to Mozambique. Did I mention we bused it the whole way there...not cool. The first bus ride was from 6am-1pm and we got to Johannesburg and began our wait for the next bus that was leaving at 10pm (yes, overnight busing it) We were wondering the streets trying to find a place to grab lunch. During lunch this couple who was eating there was nice enough to give us pointers as to what we should see while we had a day in the South African capital. It turns out that this couple (Michelle and Grant) wanted to do more for the clearly confused and tired American travelers that were Caitlin and I. They took us to their house and let us put our heavy packs down and then Michelle took us for the grand Jo’burg tour around the city in the her. We saw the botanical gardens and we even went to the top of this ridge and saw the most amazing view of the whole city! It was breathtaking and something I would have never seen otherwise. We met up with Grant again later and we went for dinner and drinks and talked about traveling and such. It was a great day that was supposed to be filled with wondering aimlessly for hours probably not seeing anything cool to meeting two great people who showed us great sights and did I mention let us shower at their house! Cheers to them!
We boarded our overnight bus and I was attempting to be drugged up on sleeping pills but it was a bummer to have o stop at the border in my sleeping stupor. We arrived in Maputo, Mozambique in the morning and needed to haul butt to ATM’s to get Meticais (their currency) and figure out where we get the bus to our final destination. After a confusing encounter with a man named Roberto who was nice enough to give us a ride to the bus which actually turned out to be the wrong bus depot, we arrived at the Maputo bus rank otherwise known as my hell. Ok, it wasn’t that bad but I was tired and just wanted to get a seat by a window because though Botswana is HOT it is not humid and let me tell you Mozambique is freaking HUMID! Not only did we NOT get good seats on the bus but we actually got the worst two seats available! The way back of the bus in a row made for 4 but if you’ve ever been to Africa they love to shove people in so we were there with 3 other grown adult men and a child...one man was drinking whiskey (did I mention it was 10am?) So, there we were 6 people in a 4 seater in the blazing heat for 10 HOURS! No joke. The bus would pull over every now and then for bathroom stops...those bathroom stops consist of the side of the rode and a bush. Needless to say I held my bladder for the whole ride.
We arrived in Tofo at 10pm and dropped our bags off at Bamboozi lodge and searched for some much needed drinks and food after that ride. Nothing was serving food except a place on the side of the beach called “The Bread Shack”. We asked the man, “Are you still serving food?” He said, “Yeah.” We said, “Ok, what kind of food do you have?” To which he said, “Well, I can put food in bread.” Caitlin and I looked at one another and simultaneously thought ‘ok, food is food, right?’ We grabbed a beer and waited a few minutes. The man came out with two plates. Both consisted of the same: a literal loaf of bread cut in half and turned upright. There was a hole in the loaf and it was stuffed with some chicken stew concoction. Oh “Bread Shack”, how we were thankful for not the food but the laugh!
The next day we awoke to Heaven. Beaches. We had made it. The next couple of days were filled with sun, ocean, good food and friends. Some other volunteers were already there so we met up with them and rung in the New Year on the beach with fireworks and a unexpected, fully clothed swim in the ocean! 2011 started off with a bang! On the 2nd of January Caitlin and I ventured North to Vilunculous to spend our remaining days in Mozambique in a fisherman’s village where we spent our time pool side, restaurant side and snorkeling out on the islands! Of course to get there we needed to take another bus which we never managed to catch so we hitched (very normal and necessary) This hitch was unique to say the least. There are sketchy men all over the world and we landed in the back with Mr. Creep himself. The things that came out of his mouth were hilariously grotesque. Hmmmm...should I say one of his lines or is it too inappropriate? Ok, you pulled my leg. He was talking to us about the bender of a night he just came off of with his friends at the beach (mind you it is 5:30 am as we’re in the truck) and he says while referring to his lack of ‘getting any’ that previous night and what he says to women to try and persuade them, “I may have an ugly face but I have a sweet dick.” I almost died right there but composed myself to reply, “and that line didn’t work, go figure.” So although the guy was Mr. Sketch he was harmless but Caitlin and I decided to ditch the hitch when the truckload of men decided to stop on a road at 6am and have a beer with a bunch of other people drinking heavily as the sun was still coming up! “Just one beer and then we’ll be on our way again” they said but we couldn’t get out of there fast enough! We hoped on a ferry to a place called Maxixe and then got on a combi to our final destination. A combi is supposed to legally fit 15 people but most of the time they squeeze 18 which isn’t too bad. This was a 4 hour ride so you can imagine my ultimate disbelief when we rode the majority of the way with 28 people inside the combi...YES I SAID 28 PEOPLE IN A 15 PASSENGER VEHICLE! There are many times when I say to myself 'if I can just get through this I’ll be able to laugh in the end’...this was definitely one of those times! Man oh man the good old African continent knows how to keep me on my toes!
Oh I almost forgot...you’re not supposed to drink the water in Mozambique. Well, would it be a Mary Duggan adventure if I didn’t do something stupid? No. So, what did I do? It was hot, majorly hot outside and Caitlin and I were walking around in the market place desperately searching for a place to buy water but we couldn’t find a place. We walked past this little house and it looked like they were selling things and I saw a fridge so I asked for “agua” (In Mozambique they speak Portuguese) The woman said “Si, Si” and came back with a pitcher of water and poured us a glass to share. Caitlin said, “Mary, we shouldn’t drink this, we don’t know where it came from.” To which I said, “I bet it’s fine, I mean right? I think it came from the fridge so it’s probably ok.” We stared at the glass for what seemed like ages and Caitlin said “You first” so of course my stubborn self took a big gulp and Caitlin followed with a smaller sip. Don’t listen to Peer Pressure kiddies because come the next day we had to deal with the repercussions. I don’t care how thirsty you get, DON’T DRINK MYSTERY WATER! For the last days of our vacation we weren’t doing too well. Thankfully Caitlin’s sickness subsided before mine but my body was punishing me for taking a monster sized gulp of the contaminated water. My stomach felt like a very small man was hiding inside and stabbing my every now and then with a dull knife and trying his best to escape through my belly button...this lasted up until a few hours until we got back to Botswana. Let me tell you...riding three buses (all 7-11 hours in length) over 2 days while having to run to the bathroom or cripple over holding my stomach is not my idea of a good time. Now I am safe back in Kumakwane with only very minimal aftershocks and the little man in my stomach is dormant. Thank God for clean water from the tap!
That’s all for now. I will really try harder to update more frequently so I don’t bore you with a million pages of ranting!
Oh...yesterday was my sister Amy’s baby shower so I wish her and little unborn Jace the best! Love you!
Peace and Love,
Dinks
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, November 20, 2010
"Change is gonna do you good"
20 November 2010
~I live in a world where my television is replaced by a world map and I love it. In fact, I discover new countries all the time. I was never a great student, especially when learning important things like geography. Nothing ever stuck. I never knew where Tunisia was and here I am sharing the same continent. Life is simple now. I enjoy reading book after book, strolling throughout the village just saying "Dumelang" to my neighbors and new friends. I look forward to my guitar lessons with myself and my "idiots guide" and sitting on my little porch talking the late afternoon away with Richard and 'our kids'. Life is hard here, sure, but life is beautiful here.
~I found out yesterday at a doctor's appointment that I have lost 30lbs here. Holy crap.
~Here is a lesson learned story:
I remember before I even set foot on the plane to come to Botswana people were saying, "Mary, you're going to meet your husband there!" and I can't say I didn't have those words stored in the back of my mind. My dream since I was thirteen was to come to somewhere in Africa and be in Peace Corps and maybe, just maybe meet an amazing African man who I would love forever. However it didn't take long after I landed in Botswana to harbor major stereotypes and bad thoughts about the men here. I do believe that most stereotypes derive from some sort of truth and that's where all my thoughts against Batswana men came from...truth. If you've been reading my blog from the beginning you already know that I've said the men here are cheaters by cultural standards. Also, the women are as well but they're better at hiding it. Of course when I say things like that I am not saying ALL men and women are. It's a gross clumped stereotype that is shared by not just me and other PCV's but by Batswana as well. The many Batswana I have spoken to have been hurt by someone who has cheated. This however does not make it right to say. Anyways, let me get to the point of why I'm even saying these things. MCP (Multiple Concurrent Partnerships) is a cultural, could I use the word 'practice' here in Botswana? Trying to stop MCP is a job Peace Corps is here to do and it's one of the most important ones at that. Having many partners at once is spreading H.I.V. considerably fast here. It is very unfortuante.
Arriving in Botswana and learning about the MCP problem and hearing Batswana women tell me "No, no, men here are cheaters and beaters and they are bad!" made me slide down a slippery slope of stereotypical judgement. I did not come here to judge people or make assumptions and I am sad to say that without even realizing it I was doing those very things. Do I think that men here are cheaters? Yes! However, I have learned from getting to know some men that this is of course not the case for all men but once you start to judge some men you slowly lump them all in the same category. I knew this from the start but I was fogged by what I saw and heard. When you are constantly approached by men who are asking to sleep with you, say that they love you or both and the whole time they are wearing their wedding rings or telling you about their children it can poison your thoughts. I was getting so irritated and frustrated that these men were disrespecting their partners and me.
Something that helped unfog my mind was a friendship I made with a guy in my village the first week I arrived at site about 5 months ago. I was very weary of him and cautious because of all the things I had heard but he slowly showed me that he was genuine. After about 3 months of seeing him around and saying our hello's we started to hang out. We would talk for hours about our different cultures, I would go to his football matches and teach him how to use a computer and it was just nice. He didn't creep me out like the countless guys I pass everyday. He was my friend. To help him in the 'good guy' points department he works at a counseling center as a volunteer MCP counselor. Bonus! This fact didn't make me swoon just yet, here even Pastors preach about love and faithfulness while they themselves are sleeping with many women at once behind their wives back.
Our friendship kept growing and it got to a point where I wanted something more but I struggled with the thoughts and stereotypes I had. I spoke with a good friend back in the states (Princess C!) who told me, "Mary, if he treats you well, if he appreciates you don't hold back, just let it flow" and so after some thought I decided she was right. So for the past two months I have enjoyed getting to know this great guy. He is sweet and loving, not to mention a smile to die for! I really like him. I still have my guard up for the time being but it is slowly crumbling down. Are we dating? Hmmmm...how do you date here in Botswana? A picnic at the cattle post? I like to say we're together and learning from each other. I like not being so defined mainly because I don't want to get hurt. He likes to talk about the future, I don't. It's too scary. So, for now I am happy with him and he tells me "Mary, you are in every sunrise" which I still don't know if I should laugh at or smile like a girl would in a cheesy, romantic movie. Those of you who know me know that I thrive off humor so believe me it was VERY hard not to laugh right in his face when he said that! You also know that I've been waiting for a "Noah Calhoun" type to say things like that to me so when it actually happened I didn't expect it or know what to do but smile. Oh man, I am swooning now.
Don't worry Mom, I'm not going to stay a day longer here than I have to but don't get your hopes up either for me bringing home an African husband! Our families are too important to us so it will end. It will be dreadfully sad but I am sure I will be thankful for all that we taught each other and the time we shared. Man, I am a cheese ball to the MAX today! Oh, his name is Omphile but he goes by Fila. His friends call him Soldier (Destiny's Child would give me a pat on the back for that one.)
I didn't even think I would be blogging about a relationship on a public space but I had to share that I have learned that even when I think I'm not judging I am and I need to watch myself. Stereotypes are dangerous and they can lead you the wrong way and you can miss out on the greatness of people.
More to come.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
~I live in a world where my television is replaced by a world map and I love it. In fact, I discover new countries all the time. I was never a great student, especially when learning important things like geography. Nothing ever stuck. I never knew where Tunisia was and here I am sharing the same continent. Life is simple now. I enjoy reading book after book, strolling throughout the village just saying "Dumelang" to my neighbors and new friends. I look forward to my guitar lessons with myself and my "idiots guide" and sitting on my little porch talking the late afternoon away with Richard and 'our kids'. Life is hard here, sure, but life is beautiful here.
~I found out yesterday at a doctor's appointment that I have lost 30lbs here. Holy crap.
~Here is a lesson learned story:
I remember before I even set foot on the plane to come to Botswana people were saying, "Mary, you're going to meet your husband there!" and I can't say I didn't have those words stored in the back of my mind. My dream since I was thirteen was to come to somewhere in Africa and be in Peace Corps and maybe, just maybe meet an amazing African man who I would love forever. However it didn't take long after I landed in Botswana to harbor major stereotypes and bad thoughts about the men here. I do believe that most stereotypes derive from some sort of truth and that's where all my thoughts against Batswana men came from...truth. If you've been reading my blog from the beginning you already know that I've said the men here are cheaters by cultural standards. Also, the women are as well but they're better at hiding it. Of course when I say things like that I am not saying ALL men and women are. It's a gross clumped stereotype that is shared by not just me and other PCV's but by Batswana as well. The many Batswana I have spoken to have been hurt by someone who has cheated. This however does not make it right to say. Anyways, let me get to the point of why I'm even saying these things. MCP (Multiple Concurrent Partnerships) is a cultural, could I use the word 'practice' here in Botswana? Trying to stop MCP is a job Peace Corps is here to do and it's one of the most important ones at that. Having many partners at once is spreading H.I.V. considerably fast here. It is very unfortuante.
Arriving in Botswana and learning about the MCP problem and hearing Batswana women tell me "No, no, men here are cheaters and beaters and they are bad!" made me slide down a slippery slope of stereotypical judgement. I did not come here to judge people or make assumptions and I am sad to say that without even realizing it I was doing those very things. Do I think that men here are cheaters? Yes! However, I have learned from getting to know some men that this is of course not the case for all men but once you start to judge some men you slowly lump them all in the same category. I knew this from the start but I was fogged by what I saw and heard. When you are constantly approached by men who are asking to sleep with you, say that they love you or both and the whole time they are wearing their wedding rings or telling you about their children it can poison your thoughts. I was getting so irritated and frustrated that these men were disrespecting their partners and me.
Something that helped unfog my mind was a friendship I made with a guy in my village the first week I arrived at site about 5 months ago. I was very weary of him and cautious because of all the things I had heard but he slowly showed me that he was genuine. After about 3 months of seeing him around and saying our hello's we started to hang out. We would talk for hours about our different cultures, I would go to his football matches and teach him how to use a computer and it was just nice. He didn't creep me out like the countless guys I pass everyday. He was my friend. To help him in the 'good guy' points department he works at a counseling center as a volunteer MCP counselor. Bonus! This fact didn't make me swoon just yet, here even Pastors preach about love and faithfulness while they themselves are sleeping with many women at once behind their wives back.
Our friendship kept growing and it got to a point where I wanted something more but I struggled with the thoughts and stereotypes I had. I spoke with a good friend back in the states (Princess C!) who told me, "Mary, if he treats you well, if he appreciates you don't hold back, just let it flow" and so after some thought I decided she was right. So for the past two months I have enjoyed getting to know this great guy. He is sweet and loving, not to mention a smile to die for! I really like him. I still have my guard up for the time being but it is slowly crumbling down. Are we dating? Hmmmm...how do you date here in Botswana? A picnic at the cattle post? I like to say we're together and learning from each other. I like not being so defined mainly because I don't want to get hurt. He likes to talk about the future, I don't. It's too scary. So, for now I am happy with him and he tells me "Mary, you are in every sunrise" which I still don't know if I should laugh at or smile like a girl would in a cheesy, romantic movie. Those of you who know me know that I thrive off humor so believe me it was VERY hard not to laugh right in his face when he said that! You also know that I've been waiting for a "Noah Calhoun" type to say things like that to me so when it actually happened I didn't expect it or know what to do but smile. Oh man, I am swooning now.
Don't worry Mom, I'm not going to stay a day longer here than I have to but don't get your hopes up either for me bringing home an African husband! Our families are too important to us so it will end. It will be dreadfully sad but I am sure I will be thankful for all that we taught each other and the time we shared. Man, I am a cheese ball to the MAX today! Oh, his name is Omphile but he goes by Fila. His friends call him Soldier (Destiny's Child would give me a pat on the back for that one.)
I didn't even think I would be blogging about a relationship on a public space but I had to share that I have learned that even when I think I'm not judging I am and I need to watch myself. Stereotypes are dangerous and they can lead you the wrong way and you can miss out on the greatness of people.
More to come.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
Sunday, November 7, 2010
When it gets too hard, open your eyes, there's beauty in everything.
When you're looking at the world with nothing but negatives then nothing but negatives come your way. It's all about hope that one day things will shift, even for a moment but that moment will be perfect. That moment will make you smile. That moment gives you hope to get through the next obstacle. I am trying to live my life this way because if I don't I will get stuck in a dangerous place. A place where nothing seems hopeful. A place where only sorrow and pain stay. I believe I am doing a good job so far...at least for today. At least for this particular moment in time. I could sink deep into a dark hole if I let it overtake me, the sadness that creeps in from time to time.
I woke up this morning to a blazing hot day, just shy of 95 degrees before 9am. As I turned on the faucet to brush my teeth there was no glorious flow of water...yet again I was left with the thought of 'when will my water come back? An hour, a day, a week?' My previous incident with no water for 5 days almost broke me like I mentioned in a prior blog and I took a second to take a breath and think. Thank God for that moment of clarity. I could feel the sadness trying to come, trying to take me to where it has so many times in the 7 months I have been here. Not this time, not today. I may not be able to live without water for too many days at 100 degrees but I know I'd find a way. Somehow. So, I turned on my sink faucet in the morning just in case my water decided to come back on.
As I sat in my sitting room thousands and thousands of miles away from the only comfort I've ever known I felt blessed. I felt as though I am not alone. Reason being? Would you even understand if I said I felt so happy in that moment because of the weather, because of Mother Nature? Probably not but I will try and explain. There was just an amazing (if ever so short) rain storm. I opened my windows and curtains and let the cool wind flow through my house like a literal breath of fresh air. It felt magnificent, especially after hours of heat pouring into my house and no immediate way to cool off without water available. I was more then pleased to not only hear the rain BUT hear my sink turn on! Granted the pressure was terrible but I ran to the bathroom and took the opportunity to take a cool shower. Though it took a little extra time to get the shampoo out of my hair due to the lack of water coming from the showerhead I felt refreshed! As if on cue, as I finished in the shower the water again stopped. However, my smile didn't.
Positivity. That's my new outlook. Even though I've always stood by the saying, "Life won't give you anything you can't handle" I have struggled a little with it here. I am doing my best to turn that struggle into understanding and I believe it's working.
As of right now I am still listening to the thunder roll across the sky and I hear the children come out to play now that the rain has ceased to fall. The dark clouds take over the sky but the light of the sun pushes through as best as it can. The world is so quiet and yet so loud. Quiet with its stillness of the Earth but loud with its singing of birds and laughter of children.
I am happy. Do I get sad? Yes, everyday but I don't want to let the sadness win anymore.
Ok, so I know I'm clearly a little wack-a-do here with emotions but y'all still love me!
In a bit I'll have some funny stories but some students are coming over to my house in ten minutes so I can't write them down...stay tuned!
Peace and love,
Dinkles (as my fellow Bots 9ers call me)
I woke up this morning to a blazing hot day, just shy of 95 degrees before 9am. As I turned on the faucet to brush my teeth there was no glorious flow of water...yet again I was left with the thought of 'when will my water come back? An hour, a day, a week?' My previous incident with no water for 5 days almost broke me like I mentioned in a prior blog and I took a second to take a breath and think. Thank God for that moment of clarity. I could feel the sadness trying to come, trying to take me to where it has so many times in the 7 months I have been here. Not this time, not today. I may not be able to live without water for too many days at 100 degrees but I know I'd find a way. Somehow. So, I turned on my sink faucet in the morning just in case my water decided to come back on.
As I sat in my sitting room thousands and thousands of miles away from the only comfort I've ever known I felt blessed. I felt as though I am not alone. Reason being? Would you even understand if I said I felt so happy in that moment because of the weather, because of Mother Nature? Probably not but I will try and explain. There was just an amazing (if ever so short) rain storm. I opened my windows and curtains and let the cool wind flow through my house like a literal breath of fresh air. It felt magnificent, especially after hours of heat pouring into my house and no immediate way to cool off without water available. I was more then pleased to not only hear the rain BUT hear my sink turn on! Granted the pressure was terrible but I ran to the bathroom and took the opportunity to take a cool shower. Though it took a little extra time to get the shampoo out of my hair due to the lack of water coming from the showerhead I felt refreshed! As if on cue, as I finished in the shower the water again stopped. However, my smile didn't.
Positivity. That's my new outlook. Even though I've always stood by the saying, "Life won't give you anything you can't handle" I have struggled a little with it here. I am doing my best to turn that struggle into understanding and I believe it's working.
As of right now I am still listening to the thunder roll across the sky and I hear the children come out to play now that the rain has ceased to fall. The dark clouds take over the sky but the light of the sun pushes through as best as it can. The world is so quiet and yet so loud. Quiet with its stillness of the Earth but loud with its singing of birds and laughter of children.
I am happy. Do I get sad? Yes, everyday but I don't want to let the sadness win anymore.
Ok, so I know I'm clearly a little wack-a-do here with emotions but y'all still love me!
In a bit I'll have some funny stories but some students are coming over to my house in ten minutes so I can't write them down...stay tuned!
Peace and love,
Dinkles (as my fellow Bots 9ers call me)
Friday, October 15, 2010
There is too much death, too much sadness.
After months and months of sadness but no tears I finally broke down. Every week here in Botswana there is a funeral, every single week. There is too much death, too much sadness.
As I sit here and write I desperately try and think of how I will put into words the sadness I feel for a student at my school. On Sunday October 10th his Mother passed away from being "sick". I put the word "sick" in quotations because it is the word often used to describe someone living with HIV or AIDS. I do not know if this particular woman died from complications of the disease but I can only wonder. His father already passed a couple of years ago and he is left with an older and younger brother. He himself is 15.
This evening I attended the prayer service which occurs the night before the burial. He lives quite close to me so I made my way to his families house. Batswana women are expected to wear certain attire to funerals so I put on a dress, something to wear around my shoulders and a scarf to cover my head. When I arrived I went to where the females sit because there is a place for men to be and a separate place for women. We all sat and waited for the body to be brought from the capital of Gaborone. Some sat in silence while others spoke softly to one another. When the body arrived everyone stood. As the coffin was unloaded from the car a low, beautiful murmur of a song began to be sung all around. Though the song was sung in Setswana and I couldn't understand the words it didn't matter because I felt the beauty in my heart. I watched as the coffin was brought passed us and placed inside the house. While a pastor prayed inside the house with some relatives everyone outside continued to stand and silently listen to his words through apen door and windos. I turned to the people standing around me and I noticed the boy from my school standing next to a younger boy who I took to be his brother. I couldn't help but watch him. A woman inside the house was sobbing loudly and though I couldn't see a tear among anyone else in the crowd I saw the boy's eyes. They were filled with tears but not once did one drop.
As the relatives and pastor exited the house the singing began again, this time it was louder and filled with heartache. My eyes became blurry but I held back tears, though it would have been ok it just didn't feel right to be crying among people who were not. Especially because my tears would have been for the boy because I never met the Mother. After a prayer some people began to disperse while others waited around for food to be served. I waited a few minutes but I felt out of place and too vunerable so I stood up and started home. I heard my name as I walked past a neighboring home on the compound, "Miss Duggan..." and when I turned to look I saw the boy. He was standing in a doorway with his hand on the younger boys shoulders and he smiled and waved. It was a sad smile, an appreciative smile. I smiled back and softly waved. I will hold his smile in my mind forever. Here is a boy who lost his Mother. Here is a boy who lost both his parents. Here is a boy standing with his younger brother at their Mother's prayer service, being strong, brave, and smiling. Behind that smile there is a lost and scared boy. Behind that smile there is a broken heart. Behind that smile there is a boy who is forced to become a man.
There is to much death, too much sadness.
If you believe in God, say a prayer for Maogisi Koko and his brothers.
After months and months of sadness but no tears I finally broke down. Every week here in Botswana there is a funeral, every single week. There is too much death, too much sadness.
As I sit here and write I desperately try and think of how I will put into words the sadness I feel for a student at my school. On Sunday October 10th his Mother passed away from being "sick". I put the word "sick" in quotations because it is the word often used to describe someone living with HIV or AIDS. I do not know if this particular woman died from complications of the disease but I can only wonder. His father already passed a couple of years ago and he is left with an older and younger brother. He himself is 15.
This evening I attended the prayer service which occurs the night before the burial. He lives quite close to me so I made my way to his families house. Batswana women are expected to wear certain attire to funerals so I put on a dress, something to wear around my shoulders and a scarf to cover my head. When I arrived I went to where the females sit because there is a place for men to be and a separate place for women. We all sat and waited for the body to be brought from the capital of Gaborone. Some sat in silence while others spoke softly to one another. When the body arrived everyone stood. As the coffin was unloaded from the car a low, beautiful murmur of a song began to be sung all around. Though the song was sung in Setswana and I couldn't understand the words it didn't matter because I felt the beauty in my heart. I watched as the coffin was brought passed us and placed inside the house. While a pastor prayed inside the house with some relatives everyone outside continued to stand and silently listen to his words through apen door and windos. I turned to the people standing around me and I noticed the boy from my school standing next to a younger boy who I took to be his brother. I couldn't help but watch him. A woman inside the house was sobbing loudly and though I couldn't see a tear among anyone else in the crowd I saw the boy's eyes. They were filled with tears but not once did one drop.
As the relatives and pastor exited the house the singing began again, this time it was louder and filled with heartache. My eyes became blurry but I held back tears, though it would have been ok it just didn't feel right to be crying among people who were not. Especially because my tears would have been for the boy because I never met the Mother. After a prayer some people began to disperse while others waited around for food to be served. I waited a few minutes but I felt out of place and too vunerable so I stood up and started home. I heard my name as I walked past a neighboring home on the compound, "Miss Duggan..." and when I turned to look I saw the boy. He was standing in a doorway with his hand on the younger boys shoulders and he smiled and waved. It was a sad smile, an appreciative smile. I smiled back and softly waved. I will hold his smile in my mind forever. Here is a boy who lost his Mother. Here is a boy who lost both his parents. Here is a boy standing with his younger brother at their Mother's prayer service, being strong, brave, and smiling. Behind that smile there is a lost and scared boy. Behind that smile there is a broken heart. Behind that smile there is a boy who is forced to become a man.
There is to much death, too much sadness.
If you believe in God, say a prayer for Maogisi Koko and his brothers.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
6 months of change
10 October 2010
This entry is just going to be full of random things from as far back as early September...mainly because I haven't been good about keeping up (unless I'm miserable;)...apparently I'm real good at that)
I'll start with an amazing success story that I had. If you know me from pre-peace corps you know that I had the amazing opportunity to work at Crossroads for Kids for many years and develop team building and leadership facilitation skills. When I was accepted into Peace Corps I was hoping for the chance to bring what I have learned over the years to the people of Botswana. I was able to do that in early September. A volutneer from Bots 8 (the group who have been here a year prior to our arrival) heard that I had a background in leadership and team building so she asked me to come to her school and run a Leadership workshop for her school's Prefects (Student school monitors)
I was extremely excited! I asked a volunteer named Kelli in my own group if she would be a co-facilitator with me. I developed a 1.5 day workshop plan and when we arrived at the school I was both nervous and excited to begin. There were about 25 students who participaed in the 1.5 day workshop. In the beginning it was hard to get them to open up. Sometimes even back in the states it is hard to get children (especially teenagers) to open up in front of their peers and take a leadership role , but here it was more difficult then I imagined or ever experienced. By the end of the first day I knew these students were changing in front of our eyes. They were becoming more confident and unafraid to speak up. They were showing us they had a voice and wanted to be heard which is extremely inmportant for youth here in Botswana. A lot of times the students are overlooked and misunderstood. They need to be cared for and looked after but there is a big gap in pyscho social support for children. It is something I have become very passionate about. If you read an earlier blog I wrote about a young girl who was almost raped by other students you remember that the support she got about her situtation was minimal. Very minimal in fact. When it comes to emotions here, things are swept under the rug. A lot of people do not want or know how to give the support needed in terrible situations like that.
By the completion of the workshop Kelli and I saw a noticeable difference. The students had learned how working together as a team to have their voices heard was important if not absolutely necessary. Here is some of what they had to say about the workshop from a feedback form we handed out:
- "I learned how to cooperate and talk to other people in a good way."
- "I learned how to lead people. I should respect people so that they can respect me too. I have to be cooperative."
- "Working together as a team makes tasks very easy. How to respect my peers and cooperate well with them."
- "I learned how to lead other students and to work peacefully with others."
- "I learned so much because we were taught how to stand for ourselves and speak out without fear or concerns, to be cooperative,working together as one team to make a change as leaders."
- "I learned that with cooperation and respect you can succeed in anything you want to."
- "From now on I am not going to give up on anything I do."
And here are some things theywrote about us as facilitators:
- "They are awesome and loving ladies. They were very cooperative and never gave up even if we seemed like we were tired."
- "They teach us how to work with others and to cooperate with them"
- "Facilitators were kind, friendly, loving, and also caring because they didn't want us to get hurt. They were amazing, fabulous, great and I liked them"
- "They respected us."
- "They were lovely, nice and also caring people. They opened up to me."
- "They were passionate and understanding. Encouraging you to keep on doing that!"
- "They were good and kind to us. They didn't get angry at us."
This is why I am here, I just know it.
Kelli and I have already been in talk with our own schools and other volunteers to bring the workshop to other students and teaching and administration staff as well! Success!
On to other things:
~At one point I had no water for 5 days. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Picture living in a cement house which is directly in the sun ALL DAY just baking. It is 95 degrees outside and you are thirsy and sweaty and you have NO WAY of cooling down. I didn't have enough storage water to last me 2 days let alone 5. Those 5 days broke me in a way. I would never wish that feeling of thirst on anyone, ever. I have a new respect for water that I never knew was even possible.
Just yesterday I was out of water and thankfully it was only for 1 day and half of the night. I had my shower turned on and when I heard the water start up at 12:34am I jumped up out of bed and I stood under the cold, cool shower and cried with happiness.
~My bother Jimmy proposed to his girlfriend Cali at The Grand Canyon! I am thrilled for them! Wait for me though you punks!
~In my village there was the annual Toyota 1000k Desert Race. It is the biggest sporting event in Botswana and this was the first year it was taking place in Kumakwane. Racers from all over Southern Africa come to compete and spectators from all over come to camp out and party the whole weekend. My village is about 4,500 people but with the race there were over 30,000 people here to watch. 10,000 alone were camping! I had people over for the whole weekend in my teeny tiny house and we watched motor bikes, quads, these cool looking futuristic cars which names I forget and trucks! We were splashed with obscene amounts of dirt and sand and we loved every second of it!
When I got back to school that Monday the teachers were talking about how fun it was. One said, "I love the race but I hate how the next day there are all these used condoms around." I really, really wanted to say "Hey, at least they were using condoms" but I kept my mouth shut. Is it weird that when I did see all the used condoms throughout my village I smiled and thought to myself, 'good work people, good work...wrap it up!'? Welcome to Botswana...you get happy at the strangest things.
~It is offcially Summer here now and it has been consistently 95+ everyday. Yesterday it hit 100 and I wanted to die sitting in my brick oven house. It's strange because all day the house is heated up so it is terrible trying to fall asleep. I actually think I may just pass out every night it's so hot and I just claim I 'fell asleep naturally'. Anyways, it's strange because by morning I am under my sheets because it still gets a bit cold. However, by 8 am it is back to grotesquely hot.
With summer comes bugs. BUGS EVERYWHERE! I don't even know what these bugs are. I think some must be only in Botswana and Hell. Even the flies seem to be on steroids and they fly around bashing into the walls and even me. They are crazy and HUGE! I know I have mentioned the bug killer DOOM before...well let me just say that I have gone through 2 cans in 1.5 days. The cockroaches are the biggest things I have ever seen and they just don't die! I sprayed 6 with DOOM one night and woke up to them on their backs STILL MOVING! I used a whole can on just those 6, a whole can and they still had the nerve to be alive!
Also, there is still an array of Flatsies but there is this new species of spider that moves like the dickens as well. These spiders have these gross antennas and they are seriously evil. In fact, I think every bug here is evil. I am starting to pray for only lizards. Even the crickets have turned against me and I have had to turn to killng them. They throw themselves AT ME sometimes!
I'm sick and tired of knocking on doors in my own house before I enter a room in hopes that whatever is in the room scurries away.
I had a cockroach in bed with me the other night. I freaked out (obviously) and the only reason I was able to fall back asleep after I killed it was because I think the heat made me pass out, no joke.
~Ok,I can't keep typing right now...I have to go stand under the cold shower again...second time today. It's only 2pm.
I truly believe I may be living on the surface of the Sun and not on Earth anymore.
This entry is just going to be full of random things from as far back as early September...mainly because I haven't been good about keeping up (unless I'm miserable;)...apparently I'm real good at that)
I'll start with an amazing success story that I had. If you know me from pre-peace corps you know that I had the amazing opportunity to work at Crossroads for Kids for many years and develop team building and leadership facilitation skills. When I was accepted into Peace Corps I was hoping for the chance to bring what I have learned over the years to the people of Botswana. I was able to do that in early September. A volutneer from Bots 8 (the group who have been here a year prior to our arrival) heard that I had a background in leadership and team building so she asked me to come to her school and run a Leadership workshop for her school's Prefects (Student school monitors)
I was extremely excited! I asked a volunteer named Kelli in my own group if she would be a co-facilitator with me. I developed a 1.5 day workshop plan and when we arrived at the school I was both nervous and excited to begin. There were about 25 students who participaed in the 1.5 day workshop. In the beginning it was hard to get them to open up. Sometimes even back in the states it is hard to get children (especially teenagers) to open up in front of their peers and take a leadership role , but here it was more difficult then I imagined or ever experienced. By the end of the first day I knew these students were changing in front of our eyes. They were becoming more confident and unafraid to speak up. They were showing us they had a voice and wanted to be heard which is extremely inmportant for youth here in Botswana. A lot of times the students are overlooked and misunderstood. They need to be cared for and looked after but there is a big gap in pyscho social support for children. It is something I have become very passionate about. If you read an earlier blog I wrote about a young girl who was almost raped by other students you remember that the support she got about her situtation was minimal. Very minimal in fact. When it comes to emotions here, things are swept under the rug. A lot of people do not want or know how to give the support needed in terrible situations like that.
By the completion of the workshop Kelli and I saw a noticeable difference. The students had learned how working together as a team to have their voices heard was important if not absolutely necessary. Here is some of what they had to say about the workshop from a feedback form we handed out:
- "I learned how to cooperate and talk to other people in a good way."
- "I learned how to lead people. I should respect people so that they can respect me too. I have to be cooperative."
- "Working together as a team makes tasks very easy. How to respect my peers and cooperate well with them."
- "I learned how to lead other students and to work peacefully with others."
- "I learned so much because we were taught how to stand for ourselves and speak out without fear or concerns, to be cooperative,working together as one team to make a change as leaders."
- "I learned that with cooperation and respect you can succeed in anything you want to."
- "From now on I am not going to give up on anything I do."
And here are some things theywrote about us as facilitators:
- "They are awesome and loving ladies. They were very cooperative and never gave up even if we seemed like we were tired."
- "They teach us how to work with others and to cooperate with them"
- "Facilitators were kind, friendly, loving, and also caring because they didn't want us to get hurt. They were amazing, fabulous, great and I liked them"
- "They respected us."
- "They were lovely, nice and also caring people. They opened up to me."
- "They were passionate and understanding. Encouraging you to keep on doing that!"
- "They were good and kind to us. They didn't get angry at us."
This is why I am here, I just know it.
Kelli and I have already been in talk with our own schools and other volunteers to bring the workshop to other students and teaching and administration staff as well! Success!
On to other things:
~At one point I had no water for 5 days. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Picture living in a cement house which is directly in the sun ALL DAY just baking. It is 95 degrees outside and you are thirsy and sweaty and you have NO WAY of cooling down. I didn't have enough storage water to last me 2 days let alone 5. Those 5 days broke me in a way. I would never wish that feeling of thirst on anyone, ever. I have a new respect for water that I never knew was even possible.
Just yesterday I was out of water and thankfully it was only for 1 day and half of the night. I had my shower turned on and when I heard the water start up at 12:34am I jumped up out of bed and I stood under the cold, cool shower and cried with happiness.
~My bother Jimmy proposed to his girlfriend Cali at The Grand Canyon! I am thrilled for them! Wait for me though you punks!
~In my village there was the annual Toyota 1000k Desert Race. It is the biggest sporting event in Botswana and this was the first year it was taking place in Kumakwane. Racers from all over Southern Africa come to compete and spectators from all over come to camp out and party the whole weekend. My village is about 4,500 people but with the race there were over 30,000 people here to watch. 10,000 alone were camping! I had people over for the whole weekend in my teeny tiny house and we watched motor bikes, quads, these cool looking futuristic cars which names I forget and trucks! We were splashed with obscene amounts of dirt and sand and we loved every second of it!
When I got back to school that Monday the teachers were talking about how fun it was. One said, "I love the race but I hate how the next day there are all these used condoms around." I really, really wanted to say "Hey, at least they were using condoms" but I kept my mouth shut. Is it weird that when I did see all the used condoms throughout my village I smiled and thought to myself, 'good work people, good work...wrap it up!'? Welcome to Botswana...you get happy at the strangest things.
~It is offcially Summer here now and it has been consistently 95+ everyday. Yesterday it hit 100 and I wanted to die sitting in my brick oven house. It's strange because all day the house is heated up so it is terrible trying to fall asleep. I actually think I may just pass out every night it's so hot and I just claim I 'fell asleep naturally'. Anyways, it's strange because by morning I am under my sheets because it still gets a bit cold. However, by 8 am it is back to grotesquely hot.
With summer comes bugs. BUGS EVERYWHERE! I don't even know what these bugs are. I think some must be only in Botswana and Hell. Even the flies seem to be on steroids and they fly around bashing into the walls and even me. They are crazy and HUGE! I know I have mentioned the bug killer DOOM before...well let me just say that I have gone through 2 cans in 1.5 days. The cockroaches are the biggest things I have ever seen and they just don't die! I sprayed 6 with DOOM one night and woke up to them on their backs STILL MOVING! I used a whole can on just those 6, a whole can and they still had the nerve to be alive!
Also, there is still an array of Flatsies but there is this new species of spider that moves like the dickens as well. These spiders have these gross antennas and they are seriously evil. In fact, I think every bug here is evil. I am starting to pray for only lizards. Even the crickets have turned against me and I have had to turn to killng them. They throw themselves AT ME sometimes!
I'm sick and tired of knocking on doors in my own house before I enter a room in hopes that whatever is in the room scurries away.
I had a cockroach in bed with me the other night. I freaked out (obviously) and the only reason I was able to fall back asleep after I killed it was because I think the heat made me pass out, no joke.
~Ok,I can't keep typing right now...I have to go stand under the cold shower again...second time today. It's only 2pm.
I truly believe I may be living on the surface of the Sun and not on Earth anymore.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"I've been down so long that the end must be drawing near."
October 5, 2010
Ok, I know that lately I haven't been writing and when I do it is usually me writing about my frustrations and how angry and sad I get. Having said that, I just have one more thing to say and then I'll tell you some good tings...if there are any...
I haven't really cried here. In fact I feel like crying a lot but for some reason I just don't. Back in the states I would cry during a baby commercial for goodness sake. I don't know if its because here I feel like I need to be strong or if I have lost that part of me. Some would say maybe it's good that I don't cry as much but I disagree. Crying is a release and one that I used often before to keep my spirits high and be able to laugh. I used to be able to get my sadness out and move on. Here, I am fading. Fading into someone I don't recognize. Someone who is angry all the time. Someone who gets so frustrated but wears a smile to hide it.
I laugh, I joke, I smile but it's not the same. The dark times consume me and yet I don't acknowledge them the way I should. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think I am just changing. Becoming synical but synical with a smile on my face so noone knows. Of course fellow PCV's know what I am going through because I lean on them when it's unbearable and they lean on me. It's a simple give and take. One day I will be the one saying, "Don't give up, it's supposed to be like this, feel like this." The next day I will be the one saying, "I can't do this, it's too hard. I can't change these behaviors. We're in over our heads."
Today was one of those days that I needed help. Help to understand why I'm here. Help to understand why people are the way they are. Though I want to cry and scream and hide, I am still here because of the support I have here. However sometimes I wish that I hadn't made these connections; not just with other PCV's but with Batswana as well(especially the children). It would be easy to go home if I didn't care. It would be easy to abandon if I didn't see hope. It would be easy to hate. It IS easier to hate, but I don't let myself go down that road...not now and hopefully not ever. I struggle to love the way I thought was easiest because there is so much anger inside me. I am not comfortable feeling angry. I am not comfortable with me.
I don't even know if writing what happened today will really show what it's like here somedays, some hours, some minutes. In fact, I am certain that when I am finsihed with my service noone but other Botswana PCV's will understand and that makes me feel alone. I could write and write and I woudn't be able to express the way my heart aches for the students who are neglected. There is an immense pain growing within me and it is tearing me down. I don't think I will try to explain. I will say that there must be good there. There must be a reason I feel so strongly. The pain I feel is not even an ounce compaed to the suffering I see daily. If I didn't stay, if I didn't care so much, who would? That is what allows me to smile, to laugh, to play and to continue my journey of self-discovery. To challenge myself to push past this anger that is so foreign to me, to push beyond the hurt and to love. Plain and simple.
Keep me and the people I share my life with here in your thoughts.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
Ok, I know that lately I haven't been writing and when I do it is usually me writing about my frustrations and how angry and sad I get. Having said that, I just have one more thing to say and then I'll tell you some good tings...if there are any...
I haven't really cried here. In fact I feel like crying a lot but for some reason I just don't. Back in the states I would cry during a baby commercial for goodness sake. I don't know if its because here I feel like I need to be strong or if I have lost that part of me. Some would say maybe it's good that I don't cry as much but I disagree. Crying is a release and one that I used often before to keep my spirits high and be able to laugh. I used to be able to get my sadness out and move on. Here, I am fading. Fading into someone I don't recognize. Someone who is angry all the time. Someone who gets so frustrated but wears a smile to hide it.
I laugh, I joke, I smile but it's not the same. The dark times consume me and yet I don't acknowledge them the way I should. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think I am just changing. Becoming synical but synical with a smile on my face so noone knows. Of course fellow PCV's know what I am going through because I lean on them when it's unbearable and they lean on me. It's a simple give and take. One day I will be the one saying, "Don't give up, it's supposed to be like this, feel like this." The next day I will be the one saying, "I can't do this, it's too hard. I can't change these behaviors. We're in over our heads."
Today was one of those days that I needed help. Help to understand why I'm here. Help to understand why people are the way they are. Though I want to cry and scream and hide, I am still here because of the support I have here. However sometimes I wish that I hadn't made these connections; not just with other PCV's but with Batswana as well(especially the children). It would be easy to go home if I didn't care. It would be easy to abandon if I didn't see hope. It would be easy to hate. It IS easier to hate, but I don't let myself go down that road...not now and hopefully not ever. I struggle to love the way I thought was easiest because there is so much anger inside me. I am not comfortable feeling angry. I am not comfortable with me.
I don't even know if writing what happened today will really show what it's like here somedays, some hours, some minutes. In fact, I am certain that when I am finsihed with my service noone but other Botswana PCV's will understand and that makes me feel alone. I could write and write and I woudn't be able to express the way my heart aches for the students who are neglected. There is an immense pain growing within me and it is tearing me down. I don't think I will try to explain. I will say that there must be good there. There must be a reason I feel so strongly. The pain I feel is not even an ounce compaed to the suffering I see daily. If I didn't stay, if I didn't care so much, who would? That is what allows me to smile, to laugh, to play and to continue my journey of self-discovery. To challenge myself to push past this anger that is so foreign to me, to push beyond the hurt and to love. Plain and simple.
Keep me and the people I share my life with here in your thoughts.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
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