20 November 2010
~I live in a world where my television is replaced by a world map and I love it. In fact, I discover new countries all the time. I was never a great student, especially when learning important things like geography. Nothing ever stuck. I never knew where Tunisia was and here I am sharing the same continent. Life is simple now. I enjoy reading book after book, strolling throughout the village just saying "Dumelang" to my neighbors and new friends. I look forward to my guitar lessons with myself and my "idiots guide" and sitting on my little porch talking the late afternoon away with Richard and 'our kids'. Life is hard here, sure, but life is beautiful here.
~I found out yesterday at a doctor's appointment that I have lost 30lbs here. Holy crap.
~Here is a lesson learned story:
I remember before I even set foot on the plane to come to Botswana people were saying, "Mary, you're going to meet your husband there!" and I can't say I didn't have those words stored in the back of my mind. My dream since I was thirteen was to come to somewhere in Africa and be in Peace Corps and maybe, just maybe meet an amazing African man who I would love forever. However it didn't take long after I landed in Botswana to harbor major stereotypes and bad thoughts about the men here. I do believe that most stereotypes derive from some sort of truth and that's where all my thoughts against Batswana men came from...truth. If you've been reading my blog from the beginning you already know that I've said the men here are cheaters by cultural standards. Also, the women are as well but they're better at hiding it. Of course when I say things like that I am not saying ALL men and women are. It's a gross clumped stereotype that is shared by not just me and other PCV's but by Batswana as well. The many Batswana I have spoken to have been hurt by someone who has cheated. This however does not make it right to say. Anyways, let me get to the point of why I'm even saying these things. MCP (Multiple Concurrent Partnerships) is a cultural, could I use the word 'practice' here in Botswana? Trying to stop MCP is a job Peace Corps is here to do and it's one of the most important ones at that. Having many partners at once is spreading H.I.V. considerably fast here. It is very unfortuante.
Arriving in Botswana and learning about the MCP problem and hearing Batswana women tell me "No, no, men here are cheaters and beaters and they are bad!" made me slide down a slippery slope of stereotypical judgement. I did not come here to judge people or make assumptions and I am sad to say that without even realizing it I was doing those very things. Do I think that men here are cheaters? Yes! However, I have learned from getting to know some men that this is of course not the case for all men but once you start to judge some men you slowly lump them all in the same category. I knew this from the start but I was fogged by what I saw and heard. When you are constantly approached by men who are asking to sleep with you, say that they love you or both and the whole time they are wearing their wedding rings or telling you about their children it can poison your thoughts. I was getting so irritated and frustrated that these men were disrespecting their partners and me.
Something that helped unfog my mind was a friendship I made with a guy in my village the first week I arrived at site about 5 months ago. I was very weary of him and cautious because of all the things I had heard but he slowly showed me that he was genuine. After about 3 months of seeing him around and saying our hello's we started to hang out. We would talk for hours about our different cultures, I would go to his football matches and teach him how to use a computer and it was just nice. He didn't creep me out like the countless guys I pass everyday. He was my friend. To help him in the 'good guy' points department he works at a counseling center as a volunteer MCP counselor. Bonus! This fact didn't make me swoon just yet, here even Pastors preach about love and faithfulness while they themselves are sleeping with many women at once behind their wives back.
Our friendship kept growing and it got to a point where I wanted something more but I struggled with the thoughts and stereotypes I had. I spoke with a good friend back in the states (Princess C!) who told me, "Mary, if he treats you well, if he appreciates you don't hold back, just let it flow" and so after some thought I decided she was right. So for the past two months I have enjoyed getting to know this great guy. He is sweet and loving, not to mention a smile to die for! I really like him. I still have my guard up for the time being but it is slowly crumbling down. Are we dating? Hmmmm...how do you date here in Botswana? A picnic at the cattle post? I like to say we're together and learning from each other. I like not being so defined mainly because I don't want to get hurt. He likes to talk about the future, I don't. It's too scary. So, for now I am happy with him and he tells me "Mary, you are in every sunrise" which I still don't know if I should laugh at or smile like a girl would in a cheesy, romantic movie. Those of you who know me know that I thrive off humor so believe me it was VERY hard not to laugh right in his face when he said that! You also know that I've been waiting for a "Noah Calhoun" type to say things like that to me so when it actually happened I didn't expect it or know what to do but smile. Oh man, I am swooning now.
Don't worry Mom, I'm not going to stay a day longer here than I have to but don't get your hopes up either for me bringing home an African husband! Our families are too important to us so it will end. It will be dreadfully sad but I am sure I will be thankful for all that we taught each other and the time we shared. Man, I am a cheese ball to the MAX today! Oh, his name is Omphile but he goes by Fila. His friends call him Soldier (Destiny's Child would give me a pat on the back for that one.)
I didn't even think I would be blogging about a relationship on a public space but I had to share that I have learned that even when I think I'm not judging I am and I need to watch myself. Stereotypes are dangerous and they can lead you the wrong way and you can miss out on the greatness of people.
More to come.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
When it gets too hard, open your eyes, there's beauty in everything.
When you're looking at the world with nothing but negatives then nothing but negatives come your way. It's all about hope that one day things will shift, even for a moment but that moment will be perfect. That moment will make you smile. That moment gives you hope to get through the next obstacle. I am trying to live my life this way because if I don't I will get stuck in a dangerous place. A place where nothing seems hopeful. A place where only sorrow and pain stay. I believe I am doing a good job so far...at least for today. At least for this particular moment in time. I could sink deep into a dark hole if I let it overtake me, the sadness that creeps in from time to time.
I woke up this morning to a blazing hot day, just shy of 95 degrees before 9am. As I turned on the faucet to brush my teeth there was no glorious flow of water...yet again I was left with the thought of 'when will my water come back? An hour, a day, a week?' My previous incident with no water for 5 days almost broke me like I mentioned in a prior blog and I took a second to take a breath and think. Thank God for that moment of clarity. I could feel the sadness trying to come, trying to take me to where it has so many times in the 7 months I have been here. Not this time, not today. I may not be able to live without water for too many days at 100 degrees but I know I'd find a way. Somehow. So, I turned on my sink faucet in the morning just in case my water decided to come back on.
As I sat in my sitting room thousands and thousands of miles away from the only comfort I've ever known I felt blessed. I felt as though I am not alone. Reason being? Would you even understand if I said I felt so happy in that moment because of the weather, because of Mother Nature? Probably not but I will try and explain. There was just an amazing (if ever so short) rain storm. I opened my windows and curtains and let the cool wind flow through my house like a literal breath of fresh air. It felt magnificent, especially after hours of heat pouring into my house and no immediate way to cool off without water available. I was more then pleased to not only hear the rain BUT hear my sink turn on! Granted the pressure was terrible but I ran to the bathroom and took the opportunity to take a cool shower. Though it took a little extra time to get the shampoo out of my hair due to the lack of water coming from the showerhead I felt refreshed! As if on cue, as I finished in the shower the water again stopped. However, my smile didn't.
Positivity. That's my new outlook. Even though I've always stood by the saying, "Life won't give you anything you can't handle" I have struggled a little with it here. I am doing my best to turn that struggle into understanding and I believe it's working.
As of right now I am still listening to the thunder roll across the sky and I hear the children come out to play now that the rain has ceased to fall. The dark clouds take over the sky but the light of the sun pushes through as best as it can. The world is so quiet and yet so loud. Quiet with its stillness of the Earth but loud with its singing of birds and laughter of children.
I am happy. Do I get sad? Yes, everyday but I don't want to let the sadness win anymore.
Ok, so I know I'm clearly a little wack-a-do here with emotions but y'all still love me!
In a bit I'll have some funny stories but some students are coming over to my house in ten minutes so I can't write them down...stay tuned!
Peace and love,
Dinkles (as my fellow Bots 9ers call me)
I woke up this morning to a blazing hot day, just shy of 95 degrees before 9am. As I turned on the faucet to brush my teeth there was no glorious flow of water...yet again I was left with the thought of 'when will my water come back? An hour, a day, a week?' My previous incident with no water for 5 days almost broke me like I mentioned in a prior blog and I took a second to take a breath and think. Thank God for that moment of clarity. I could feel the sadness trying to come, trying to take me to where it has so many times in the 7 months I have been here. Not this time, not today. I may not be able to live without water for too many days at 100 degrees but I know I'd find a way. Somehow. So, I turned on my sink faucet in the morning just in case my water decided to come back on.
As I sat in my sitting room thousands and thousands of miles away from the only comfort I've ever known I felt blessed. I felt as though I am not alone. Reason being? Would you even understand if I said I felt so happy in that moment because of the weather, because of Mother Nature? Probably not but I will try and explain. There was just an amazing (if ever so short) rain storm. I opened my windows and curtains and let the cool wind flow through my house like a literal breath of fresh air. It felt magnificent, especially after hours of heat pouring into my house and no immediate way to cool off without water available. I was more then pleased to not only hear the rain BUT hear my sink turn on! Granted the pressure was terrible but I ran to the bathroom and took the opportunity to take a cool shower. Though it took a little extra time to get the shampoo out of my hair due to the lack of water coming from the showerhead I felt refreshed! As if on cue, as I finished in the shower the water again stopped. However, my smile didn't.
Positivity. That's my new outlook. Even though I've always stood by the saying, "Life won't give you anything you can't handle" I have struggled a little with it here. I am doing my best to turn that struggle into understanding and I believe it's working.
As of right now I am still listening to the thunder roll across the sky and I hear the children come out to play now that the rain has ceased to fall. The dark clouds take over the sky but the light of the sun pushes through as best as it can. The world is so quiet and yet so loud. Quiet with its stillness of the Earth but loud with its singing of birds and laughter of children.
I am happy. Do I get sad? Yes, everyday but I don't want to let the sadness win anymore.
Ok, so I know I'm clearly a little wack-a-do here with emotions but y'all still love me!
In a bit I'll have some funny stories but some students are coming over to my house in ten minutes so I can't write them down...stay tuned!
Peace and love,
Dinkles (as my fellow Bots 9ers call me)
Friday, October 15, 2010
There is too much death, too much sadness.
After months and months of sadness but no tears I finally broke down. Every week here in Botswana there is a funeral, every single week. There is too much death, too much sadness.
As I sit here and write I desperately try and think of how I will put into words the sadness I feel for a student at my school. On Sunday October 10th his Mother passed away from being "sick". I put the word "sick" in quotations because it is the word often used to describe someone living with HIV or AIDS. I do not know if this particular woman died from complications of the disease but I can only wonder. His father already passed a couple of years ago and he is left with an older and younger brother. He himself is 15.
This evening I attended the prayer service which occurs the night before the burial. He lives quite close to me so I made my way to his families house. Batswana women are expected to wear certain attire to funerals so I put on a dress, something to wear around my shoulders and a scarf to cover my head. When I arrived I went to where the females sit because there is a place for men to be and a separate place for women. We all sat and waited for the body to be brought from the capital of Gaborone. Some sat in silence while others spoke softly to one another. When the body arrived everyone stood. As the coffin was unloaded from the car a low, beautiful murmur of a song began to be sung all around. Though the song was sung in Setswana and I couldn't understand the words it didn't matter because I felt the beauty in my heart. I watched as the coffin was brought passed us and placed inside the house. While a pastor prayed inside the house with some relatives everyone outside continued to stand and silently listen to his words through apen door and windos. I turned to the people standing around me and I noticed the boy from my school standing next to a younger boy who I took to be his brother. I couldn't help but watch him. A woman inside the house was sobbing loudly and though I couldn't see a tear among anyone else in the crowd I saw the boy's eyes. They were filled with tears but not once did one drop.
As the relatives and pastor exited the house the singing began again, this time it was louder and filled with heartache. My eyes became blurry but I held back tears, though it would have been ok it just didn't feel right to be crying among people who were not. Especially because my tears would have been for the boy because I never met the Mother. After a prayer some people began to disperse while others waited around for food to be served. I waited a few minutes but I felt out of place and too vunerable so I stood up and started home. I heard my name as I walked past a neighboring home on the compound, "Miss Duggan..." and when I turned to look I saw the boy. He was standing in a doorway with his hand on the younger boys shoulders and he smiled and waved. It was a sad smile, an appreciative smile. I smiled back and softly waved. I will hold his smile in my mind forever. Here is a boy who lost his Mother. Here is a boy who lost both his parents. Here is a boy standing with his younger brother at their Mother's prayer service, being strong, brave, and smiling. Behind that smile there is a lost and scared boy. Behind that smile there is a broken heart. Behind that smile there is a boy who is forced to become a man.
There is to much death, too much sadness.
If you believe in God, say a prayer for Maogisi Koko and his brothers.
After months and months of sadness but no tears I finally broke down. Every week here in Botswana there is a funeral, every single week. There is too much death, too much sadness.
As I sit here and write I desperately try and think of how I will put into words the sadness I feel for a student at my school. On Sunday October 10th his Mother passed away from being "sick". I put the word "sick" in quotations because it is the word often used to describe someone living with HIV or AIDS. I do not know if this particular woman died from complications of the disease but I can only wonder. His father already passed a couple of years ago and he is left with an older and younger brother. He himself is 15.
This evening I attended the prayer service which occurs the night before the burial. He lives quite close to me so I made my way to his families house. Batswana women are expected to wear certain attire to funerals so I put on a dress, something to wear around my shoulders and a scarf to cover my head. When I arrived I went to where the females sit because there is a place for men to be and a separate place for women. We all sat and waited for the body to be brought from the capital of Gaborone. Some sat in silence while others spoke softly to one another. When the body arrived everyone stood. As the coffin was unloaded from the car a low, beautiful murmur of a song began to be sung all around. Though the song was sung in Setswana and I couldn't understand the words it didn't matter because I felt the beauty in my heart. I watched as the coffin was brought passed us and placed inside the house. While a pastor prayed inside the house with some relatives everyone outside continued to stand and silently listen to his words through apen door and windos. I turned to the people standing around me and I noticed the boy from my school standing next to a younger boy who I took to be his brother. I couldn't help but watch him. A woman inside the house was sobbing loudly and though I couldn't see a tear among anyone else in the crowd I saw the boy's eyes. They were filled with tears but not once did one drop.
As the relatives and pastor exited the house the singing began again, this time it was louder and filled with heartache. My eyes became blurry but I held back tears, though it would have been ok it just didn't feel right to be crying among people who were not. Especially because my tears would have been for the boy because I never met the Mother. After a prayer some people began to disperse while others waited around for food to be served. I waited a few minutes but I felt out of place and too vunerable so I stood up and started home. I heard my name as I walked past a neighboring home on the compound, "Miss Duggan..." and when I turned to look I saw the boy. He was standing in a doorway with his hand on the younger boys shoulders and he smiled and waved. It was a sad smile, an appreciative smile. I smiled back and softly waved. I will hold his smile in my mind forever. Here is a boy who lost his Mother. Here is a boy who lost both his parents. Here is a boy standing with his younger brother at their Mother's prayer service, being strong, brave, and smiling. Behind that smile there is a lost and scared boy. Behind that smile there is a broken heart. Behind that smile there is a boy who is forced to become a man.
There is to much death, too much sadness.
If you believe in God, say a prayer for Maogisi Koko and his brothers.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
6 months of change
10 October 2010
This entry is just going to be full of random things from as far back as early September...mainly because I haven't been good about keeping up (unless I'm miserable;)...apparently I'm real good at that)
I'll start with an amazing success story that I had. If you know me from pre-peace corps you know that I had the amazing opportunity to work at Crossroads for Kids for many years and develop team building and leadership facilitation skills. When I was accepted into Peace Corps I was hoping for the chance to bring what I have learned over the years to the people of Botswana. I was able to do that in early September. A volutneer from Bots 8 (the group who have been here a year prior to our arrival) heard that I had a background in leadership and team building so she asked me to come to her school and run a Leadership workshop for her school's Prefects (Student school monitors)
I was extremely excited! I asked a volunteer named Kelli in my own group if she would be a co-facilitator with me. I developed a 1.5 day workshop plan and when we arrived at the school I was both nervous and excited to begin. There were about 25 students who participaed in the 1.5 day workshop. In the beginning it was hard to get them to open up. Sometimes even back in the states it is hard to get children (especially teenagers) to open up in front of their peers and take a leadership role , but here it was more difficult then I imagined or ever experienced. By the end of the first day I knew these students were changing in front of our eyes. They were becoming more confident and unafraid to speak up. They were showing us they had a voice and wanted to be heard which is extremely inmportant for youth here in Botswana. A lot of times the students are overlooked and misunderstood. They need to be cared for and looked after but there is a big gap in pyscho social support for children. It is something I have become very passionate about. If you read an earlier blog I wrote about a young girl who was almost raped by other students you remember that the support she got about her situtation was minimal. Very minimal in fact. When it comes to emotions here, things are swept under the rug. A lot of people do not want or know how to give the support needed in terrible situations like that.
By the completion of the workshop Kelli and I saw a noticeable difference. The students had learned how working together as a team to have their voices heard was important if not absolutely necessary. Here is some of what they had to say about the workshop from a feedback form we handed out:
- "I learned how to cooperate and talk to other people in a good way."
- "I learned how to lead people. I should respect people so that they can respect me too. I have to be cooperative."
- "Working together as a team makes tasks very easy. How to respect my peers and cooperate well with them."
- "I learned how to lead other students and to work peacefully with others."
- "I learned so much because we were taught how to stand for ourselves and speak out without fear or concerns, to be cooperative,working together as one team to make a change as leaders."
- "I learned that with cooperation and respect you can succeed in anything you want to."
- "From now on I am not going to give up on anything I do."
And here are some things theywrote about us as facilitators:
- "They are awesome and loving ladies. They were very cooperative and never gave up even if we seemed like we were tired."
- "They teach us how to work with others and to cooperate with them"
- "Facilitators were kind, friendly, loving, and also caring because they didn't want us to get hurt. They were amazing, fabulous, great and I liked them"
- "They respected us."
- "They were lovely, nice and also caring people. They opened up to me."
- "They were passionate and understanding. Encouraging you to keep on doing that!"
- "They were good and kind to us. They didn't get angry at us."
This is why I am here, I just know it.
Kelli and I have already been in talk with our own schools and other volunteers to bring the workshop to other students and teaching and administration staff as well! Success!
On to other things:
~At one point I had no water for 5 days. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Picture living in a cement house which is directly in the sun ALL DAY just baking. It is 95 degrees outside and you are thirsy and sweaty and you have NO WAY of cooling down. I didn't have enough storage water to last me 2 days let alone 5. Those 5 days broke me in a way. I would never wish that feeling of thirst on anyone, ever. I have a new respect for water that I never knew was even possible.
Just yesterday I was out of water and thankfully it was only for 1 day and half of the night. I had my shower turned on and when I heard the water start up at 12:34am I jumped up out of bed and I stood under the cold, cool shower and cried with happiness.
~My bother Jimmy proposed to his girlfriend Cali at The Grand Canyon! I am thrilled for them! Wait for me though you punks!
~In my village there was the annual Toyota 1000k Desert Race. It is the biggest sporting event in Botswana and this was the first year it was taking place in Kumakwane. Racers from all over Southern Africa come to compete and spectators from all over come to camp out and party the whole weekend. My village is about 4,500 people but with the race there were over 30,000 people here to watch. 10,000 alone were camping! I had people over for the whole weekend in my teeny tiny house and we watched motor bikes, quads, these cool looking futuristic cars which names I forget and trucks! We were splashed with obscene amounts of dirt and sand and we loved every second of it!
When I got back to school that Monday the teachers were talking about how fun it was. One said, "I love the race but I hate how the next day there are all these used condoms around." I really, really wanted to say "Hey, at least they were using condoms" but I kept my mouth shut. Is it weird that when I did see all the used condoms throughout my village I smiled and thought to myself, 'good work people, good work...wrap it up!'? Welcome to Botswana...you get happy at the strangest things.
~It is offcially Summer here now and it has been consistently 95+ everyday. Yesterday it hit 100 and I wanted to die sitting in my brick oven house. It's strange because all day the house is heated up so it is terrible trying to fall asleep. I actually think I may just pass out every night it's so hot and I just claim I 'fell asleep naturally'. Anyways, it's strange because by morning I am under my sheets because it still gets a bit cold. However, by 8 am it is back to grotesquely hot.
With summer comes bugs. BUGS EVERYWHERE! I don't even know what these bugs are. I think some must be only in Botswana and Hell. Even the flies seem to be on steroids and they fly around bashing into the walls and even me. They are crazy and HUGE! I know I have mentioned the bug killer DOOM before...well let me just say that I have gone through 2 cans in 1.5 days. The cockroaches are the biggest things I have ever seen and they just don't die! I sprayed 6 with DOOM one night and woke up to them on their backs STILL MOVING! I used a whole can on just those 6, a whole can and they still had the nerve to be alive!
Also, there is still an array of Flatsies but there is this new species of spider that moves like the dickens as well. These spiders have these gross antennas and they are seriously evil. In fact, I think every bug here is evil. I am starting to pray for only lizards. Even the crickets have turned against me and I have had to turn to killng them. They throw themselves AT ME sometimes!
I'm sick and tired of knocking on doors in my own house before I enter a room in hopes that whatever is in the room scurries away.
I had a cockroach in bed with me the other night. I freaked out (obviously) and the only reason I was able to fall back asleep after I killed it was because I think the heat made me pass out, no joke.
~Ok,I can't keep typing right now...I have to go stand under the cold shower again...second time today. It's only 2pm.
I truly believe I may be living on the surface of the Sun and not on Earth anymore.
This entry is just going to be full of random things from as far back as early September...mainly because I haven't been good about keeping up (unless I'm miserable;)...apparently I'm real good at that)
I'll start with an amazing success story that I had. If you know me from pre-peace corps you know that I had the amazing opportunity to work at Crossroads for Kids for many years and develop team building and leadership facilitation skills. When I was accepted into Peace Corps I was hoping for the chance to bring what I have learned over the years to the people of Botswana. I was able to do that in early September. A volutneer from Bots 8 (the group who have been here a year prior to our arrival) heard that I had a background in leadership and team building so she asked me to come to her school and run a Leadership workshop for her school's Prefects (Student school monitors)
I was extremely excited! I asked a volunteer named Kelli in my own group if she would be a co-facilitator with me. I developed a 1.5 day workshop plan and when we arrived at the school I was both nervous and excited to begin. There were about 25 students who participaed in the 1.5 day workshop. In the beginning it was hard to get them to open up. Sometimes even back in the states it is hard to get children (especially teenagers) to open up in front of their peers and take a leadership role , but here it was more difficult then I imagined or ever experienced. By the end of the first day I knew these students were changing in front of our eyes. They were becoming more confident and unafraid to speak up. They were showing us they had a voice and wanted to be heard which is extremely inmportant for youth here in Botswana. A lot of times the students are overlooked and misunderstood. They need to be cared for and looked after but there is a big gap in pyscho social support for children. It is something I have become very passionate about. If you read an earlier blog I wrote about a young girl who was almost raped by other students you remember that the support she got about her situtation was minimal. Very minimal in fact. When it comes to emotions here, things are swept under the rug. A lot of people do not want or know how to give the support needed in terrible situations like that.
By the completion of the workshop Kelli and I saw a noticeable difference. The students had learned how working together as a team to have their voices heard was important if not absolutely necessary. Here is some of what they had to say about the workshop from a feedback form we handed out:
- "I learned how to cooperate and talk to other people in a good way."
- "I learned how to lead people. I should respect people so that they can respect me too. I have to be cooperative."
- "Working together as a team makes tasks very easy. How to respect my peers and cooperate well with them."
- "I learned how to lead other students and to work peacefully with others."
- "I learned so much because we were taught how to stand for ourselves and speak out without fear or concerns, to be cooperative,working together as one team to make a change as leaders."
- "I learned that with cooperation and respect you can succeed in anything you want to."
- "From now on I am not going to give up on anything I do."
And here are some things theywrote about us as facilitators:
- "They are awesome and loving ladies. They were very cooperative and never gave up even if we seemed like we were tired."
- "They teach us how to work with others and to cooperate with them"
- "Facilitators were kind, friendly, loving, and also caring because they didn't want us to get hurt. They were amazing, fabulous, great and I liked them"
- "They respected us."
- "They were lovely, nice and also caring people. They opened up to me."
- "They were passionate and understanding. Encouraging you to keep on doing that!"
- "They were good and kind to us. They didn't get angry at us."
This is why I am here, I just know it.
Kelli and I have already been in talk with our own schools and other volunteers to bring the workshop to other students and teaching and administration staff as well! Success!
On to other things:
~At one point I had no water for 5 days. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Picture living in a cement house which is directly in the sun ALL DAY just baking. It is 95 degrees outside and you are thirsy and sweaty and you have NO WAY of cooling down. I didn't have enough storage water to last me 2 days let alone 5. Those 5 days broke me in a way. I would never wish that feeling of thirst on anyone, ever. I have a new respect for water that I never knew was even possible.
Just yesterday I was out of water and thankfully it was only for 1 day and half of the night. I had my shower turned on and when I heard the water start up at 12:34am I jumped up out of bed and I stood under the cold, cool shower and cried with happiness.
~My bother Jimmy proposed to his girlfriend Cali at The Grand Canyon! I am thrilled for them! Wait for me though you punks!
~In my village there was the annual Toyota 1000k Desert Race. It is the biggest sporting event in Botswana and this was the first year it was taking place in Kumakwane. Racers from all over Southern Africa come to compete and spectators from all over come to camp out and party the whole weekend. My village is about 4,500 people but with the race there were over 30,000 people here to watch. 10,000 alone were camping! I had people over for the whole weekend in my teeny tiny house and we watched motor bikes, quads, these cool looking futuristic cars which names I forget and trucks! We were splashed with obscene amounts of dirt and sand and we loved every second of it!
When I got back to school that Monday the teachers were talking about how fun it was. One said, "I love the race but I hate how the next day there are all these used condoms around." I really, really wanted to say "Hey, at least they were using condoms" but I kept my mouth shut. Is it weird that when I did see all the used condoms throughout my village I smiled and thought to myself, 'good work people, good work...wrap it up!'? Welcome to Botswana...you get happy at the strangest things.
~It is offcially Summer here now and it has been consistently 95+ everyday. Yesterday it hit 100 and I wanted to die sitting in my brick oven house. It's strange because all day the house is heated up so it is terrible trying to fall asleep. I actually think I may just pass out every night it's so hot and I just claim I 'fell asleep naturally'. Anyways, it's strange because by morning I am under my sheets because it still gets a bit cold. However, by 8 am it is back to grotesquely hot.
With summer comes bugs. BUGS EVERYWHERE! I don't even know what these bugs are. I think some must be only in Botswana and Hell. Even the flies seem to be on steroids and they fly around bashing into the walls and even me. They are crazy and HUGE! I know I have mentioned the bug killer DOOM before...well let me just say that I have gone through 2 cans in 1.5 days. The cockroaches are the biggest things I have ever seen and they just don't die! I sprayed 6 with DOOM one night and woke up to them on their backs STILL MOVING! I used a whole can on just those 6, a whole can and they still had the nerve to be alive!
Also, there is still an array of Flatsies but there is this new species of spider that moves like the dickens as well. These spiders have these gross antennas and they are seriously evil. In fact, I think every bug here is evil. I am starting to pray for only lizards. Even the crickets have turned against me and I have had to turn to killng them. They throw themselves AT ME sometimes!
I'm sick and tired of knocking on doors in my own house before I enter a room in hopes that whatever is in the room scurries away.
I had a cockroach in bed with me the other night. I freaked out (obviously) and the only reason I was able to fall back asleep after I killed it was because I think the heat made me pass out, no joke.
~Ok,I can't keep typing right now...I have to go stand under the cold shower again...second time today. It's only 2pm.
I truly believe I may be living on the surface of the Sun and not on Earth anymore.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"I've been down so long that the end must be drawing near."
October 5, 2010
Ok, I know that lately I haven't been writing and when I do it is usually me writing about my frustrations and how angry and sad I get. Having said that, I just have one more thing to say and then I'll tell you some good tings...if there are any...
I haven't really cried here. In fact I feel like crying a lot but for some reason I just don't. Back in the states I would cry during a baby commercial for goodness sake. I don't know if its because here I feel like I need to be strong or if I have lost that part of me. Some would say maybe it's good that I don't cry as much but I disagree. Crying is a release and one that I used often before to keep my spirits high and be able to laugh. I used to be able to get my sadness out and move on. Here, I am fading. Fading into someone I don't recognize. Someone who is angry all the time. Someone who gets so frustrated but wears a smile to hide it.
I laugh, I joke, I smile but it's not the same. The dark times consume me and yet I don't acknowledge them the way I should. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think I am just changing. Becoming synical but synical with a smile on my face so noone knows. Of course fellow PCV's know what I am going through because I lean on them when it's unbearable and they lean on me. It's a simple give and take. One day I will be the one saying, "Don't give up, it's supposed to be like this, feel like this." The next day I will be the one saying, "I can't do this, it's too hard. I can't change these behaviors. We're in over our heads."
Today was one of those days that I needed help. Help to understand why I'm here. Help to understand why people are the way they are. Though I want to cry and scream and hide, I am still here because of the support I have here. However sometimes I wish that I hadn't made these connections; not just with other PCV's but with Batswana as well(especially the children). It would be easy to go home if I didn't care. It would be easy to abandon if I didn't see hope. It would be easy to hate. It IS easier to hate, but I don't let myself go down that road...not now and hopefully not ever. I struggle to love the way I thought was easiest because there is so much anger inside me. I am not comfortable feeling angry. I am not comfortable with me.
I don't even know if writing what happened today will really show what it's like here somedays, some hours, some minutes. In fact, I am certain that when I am finsihed with my service noone but other Botswana PCV's will understand and that makes me feel alone. I could write and write and I woudn't be able to express the way my heart aches for the students who are neglected. There is an immense pain growing within me and it is tearing me down. I don't think I will try to explain. I will say that there must be good there. There must be a reason I feel so strongly. The pain I feel is not even an ounce compaed to the suffering I see daily. If I didn't stay, if I didn't care so much, who would? That is what allows me to smile, to laugh, to play and to continue my journey of self-discovery. To challenge myself to push past this anger that is so foreign to me, to push beyond the hurt and to love. Plain and simple.
Keep me and the people I share my life with here in your thoughts.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
Ok, I know that lately I haven't been writing and when I do it is usually me writing about my frustrations and how angry and sad I get. Having said that, I just have one more thing to say and then I'll tell you some good tings...if there are any...
I haven't really cried here. In fact I feel like crying a lot but for some reason I just don't. Back in the states I would cry during a baby commercial for goodness sake. I don't know if its because here I feel like I need to be strong or if I have lost that part of me. Some would say maybe it's good that I don't cry as much but I disagree. Crying is a release and one that I used often before to keep my spirits high and be able to laugh. I used to be able to get my sadness out and move on. Here, I am fading. Fading into someone I don't recognize. Someone who is angry all the time. Someone who gets so frustrated but wears a smile to hide it.
I laugh, I joke, I smile but it's not the same. The dark times consume me and yet I don't acknowledge them the way I should. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think I am just changing. Becoming synical but synical with a smile on my face so noone knows. Of course fellow PCV's know what I am going through because I lean on them when it's unbearable and they lean on me. It's a simple give and take. One day I will be the one saying, "Don't give up, it's supposed to be like this, feel like this." The next day I will be the one saying, "I can't do this, it's too hard. I can't change these behaviors. We're in over our heads."
Today was one of those days that I needed help. Help to understand why I'm here. Help to understand why people are the way they are. Though I want to cry and scream and hide, I am still here because of the support I have here. However sometimes I wish that I hadn't made these connections; not just with other PCV's but with Batswana as well(especially the children). It would be easy to go home if I didn't care. It would be easy to abandon if I didn't see hope. It would be easy to hate. It IS easier to hate, but I don't let myself go down that road...not now and hopefully not ever. I struggle to love the way I thought was easiest because there is so much anger inside me. I am not comfortable feeling angry. I am not comfortable with me.
I don't even know if writing what happened today will really show what it's like here somedays, some hours, some minutes. In fact, I am certain that when I am finsihed with my service noone but other Botswana PCV's will understand and that makes me feel alone. I could write and write and I woudn't be able to express the way my heart aches for the students who are neglected. There is an immense pain growing within me and it is tearing me down. I don't think I will try to explain. I will say that there must be good there. There must be a reason I feel so strongly. The pain I feel is not even an ounce compaed to the suffering I see daily. If I didn't stay, if I didn't care so much, who would? That is what allows me to smile, to laugh, to play and to continue my journey of self-discovery. To challenge myself to push past this anger that is so foreign to me, to push beyond the hurt and to love. Plain and simple.
Keep me and the people I share my life with here in your thoughts.
Peace and Love,
Dintle
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"One has to face fear or forever run from it"-Hawk
Then why do I continue to run?
21 September 2010
The second time in my 3 months at site I have walked out of school with absolute anger flooding my bones. Where do I start?
A student walked into the guidance office today and asked to speak with the guidance counselor. They talked for a while and because they were speaking Setswana I didn't know what was being said, only that the young girl was distraught and scared. After she left I asked if she was ok. I was told that last night she had been cornered by 3or more male students (from the same school) and they attempted to rape her by pulling her into "the bush". Thankfully she was strong enough to sit down and begin
to scream until the boys ran away. After hearing why the girl came in to talk I began to get extremely angry because I recalled some of the words that she was told, mostly because here in Botswana people speak in Setswana with English words thrown in. She was told not to say anything to her friends and to go back to class while they figured things out (whatever that means). The part that angers me is that the 3 male students who were invloved are still in school and this female student who was
attacked by them was sent BACK to class!
I am mostly mad at myself. I should have said something but the thing is I am not intergrated enough in my community to tamper with subjects like this. It is probably hard to understand if you have never had an experience in another country trying to live in another culture completely different from anything you've ever known. I can't even understand it sometimes. If I had said something it could have angered my co-workers and I would have lost the trust I am trying to build. The problem in my opinion is that that shouldn't matter when it comes to serious issues like this. But here I am, sitting at home, so angry, so frusrated, so sad and I feel lost. I wanted to hug the student and tell her eveything would be taken care of and that she should be picked up by someone and taken home. I wanted to go to the classrooms of all the boys and look them in the eye and ask them why? Why her? Why anyone? I wanted to tell the people in charge to step it up, get the boys out of the school, get the police here as soon as possible to file a report and to have an assembly letting the other students know that what happened is NOT OK! But I did nothing. It's no their fault for how they're handling it, it's mine for not speaking up. But I am so afraid to ruin my work so far. I am so afraid that I will cause an issue that forces me to not be as involved with the children as I hope to be and as I am beginning to be. I live in fear here. Not for my on safety but fear of stepping on toes, of losing trust, of letting people slip through my fingers. I need their trust to move forward with any ideas and plans I have but how can I be silent and watch when I need to act. Do I need to act? I feel beyond lost, beyond hope, beyond change.
I don't know where I stand. This is the hardest emotional journey I have ever been on.
"One has to face fear..." I have to face fear "...or forever run from it."
21 September 2010
The second time in my 3 months at site I have walked out of school with absolute anger flooding my bones. Where do I start?
A student walked into the guidance office today and asked to speak with the guidance counselor. They talked for a while and because they were speaking Setswana I didn't know what was being said, only that the young girl was distraught and scared. After she left I asked if she was ok. I was told that last night she had been cornered by 3or more male students (from the same school) and they attempted to rape her by pulling her into "the bush". Thankfully she was strong enough to sit down and begin
to scream until the boys ran away. After hearing why the girl came in to talk I began to get extremely angry because I recalled some of the words that she was told, mostly because here in Botswana people speak in Setswana with English words thrown in. She was told not to say anything to her friends and to go back to class while they figured things out (whatever that means). The part that angers me is that the 3 male students who were invloved are still in school and this female student who was
attacked by them was sent BACK to class!
I am mostly mad at myself. I should have said something but the thing is I am not intergrated enough in my community to tamper with subjects like this. It is probably hard to understand if you have never had an experience in another country trying to live in another culture completely different from anything you've ever known. I can't even understand it sometimes. If I had said something it could have angered my co-workers and I would have lost the trust I am trying to build. The problem in my opinion is that that shouldn't matter when it comes to serious issues like this. But here I am, sitting at home, so angry, so frusrated, so sad and I feel lost. I wanted to hug the student and tell her eveything would be taken care of and that she should be picked up by someone and taken home. I wanted to go to the classrooms of all the boys and look them in the eye and ask them why? Why her? Why anyone? I wanted to tell the people in charge to step it up, get the boys out of the school, get the police here as soon as possible to file a report and to have an assembly letting the other students know that what happened is NOT OK! But I did nothing. It's no their fault for how they're handling it, it's mine for not speaking up. But I am so afraid to ruin my work so far. I am so afraid that I will cause an issue that forces me to not be as involved with the children as I hope to be and as I am beginning to be. I live in fear here. Not for my on safety but fear of stepping on toes, of losing trust, of letting people slip through my fingers. I need their trust to move forward with any ideas and plans I have but how can I be silent and watch when I need to act. Do I need to act? I feel beyond lost, beyond hope, beyond change.
I don't know where I stand. This is the hardest emotional journey I have ever been on.
"One has to face fear..." I have to face fear "...or forever run from it."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sour Patch Kids, Goldfish and Flip Flops. 11 August 2010
Today I received TWO packages! One was from my family and it consisted of clothes I asked them to send, heels (yes, even though I live in a desert I tend to look like a hobo in my flats compared to Batswana women who wear heels constantly), flip flops galore, goldfish, Rice a Roni, a National Enquirer magazine which cover story read, “Oprah’s Secret Life as a TEENAGE PROSTITUE!” (Riveting), East Mac ‘n Cheese (although it’s microwavable and I’m pretty sure I’ll go 2 years without seeing a microwave), and a beautiful “Krama” which my brother and his girlfriend got for me while traveling throughout Asia (it’s a scarf). Oh, how could I forget about the Grow Creatures they sent as well? The village kids are going to go bazurk! They are safari animals too, bonus!
The second package was from some friends at home. I almost died because they sent TAMPONS, which is incredible! Ha! Also, there was an array of toothpaste, bug repellent wipes, aloe vera goo, hair bands, sunscreen, sour patch kids, mentos, gum, a book, spices and my favorite part: LETTERS from all of them! Here in Botswana, since I only get to check my email about once every 3 or 4 weeks I am completely out of the loop as to what’s going on at home with them and current events. Although their letters dated back as early as June 6th I LOVED reading what they’ve been up to! I miss them all so much. At least I get to speak with my family every once and a while so I get the family scoop/gossip but with my friends I have to solely rely on a casual viewing of a facebook status here and there. Getting these letters made me feel like I am somewhat caught up in their lives again.
Thank you all so much for making my day AMAZING! I can’t wait to get started on my letters back to you!
~On a side note: I have been here for 4 months and a day! That is absolutely insane in my opinion. I feel weird when I think about calling Botswana my home. I don’t like that realization yet but at least I am not miserable anymore. Plus, instead of hating certain things about the country or the job I just hate that I miss everyone back home…so that’s good, right? There are things that are just starting to fit, slowly but surely and I’m finally excited about the possibilities.
Well, hello Mr. President! 12 August 2010
Today I met the President of Botswana, Ian Khama. What a great experience. I was able to shake his hand and then sit with him and eat traditional Setswana food; seswaa (pounded meat) and dinawa (beans). When we arrived in Mmankgodi where he was visiting, Richard (a Bots 8 Volunteer) and I stood in the back of the crowd while the president and other important people spoke to the residents of the village. I could not understand a word of what was being said because it was all in Setswana but that didn’t take away from the experience. While standing in the back I was trying to go unnoticed as the only white person present, I failed miserably. All the young children turned from listening to the president and stared at me. I smiled and tried to not feel so awkward but it’s hard when you’re staring straight ahead and the people in front of you are turned around staring at you in wonder. Richard was joking around that I was causing a scene…Richard is African American so he tends to blend in from time to time. Needless to say I felt a little strange getting so much attention while the president was there! What can I say? I’m kind of a big deal! Yeah right, if they only knew me personally they wouldn’t take so much interest! Overall it was a very cool experience and I’m glad I was able to have the opportunity to meet him.
Another funny Lekgoa (white person) moment today was when I got on a packed bus with Richard to head to Mmankgodi. There was a man standing in the front and he wouldn’t move to the back like you’re supposed to. The conductor asked him to move to the back so we could all be out of the way of the exit but he just turned to me and said I needed to move to the back…me, not Richard or anyone else. Richard kept laughing hysterically that this guy was telling me that I needed to go to the way back of the bus. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. Just call me Rosa “Dintle” Parks…I stood my ground!
~ I was attending a “Young Women’s Empowerment MCP workshop” which was also primary conducted in Setswenglish, so I can understand the main points but I get lost most of the time. Anyways, some of the girls were asking a question and I kept hearing the word “discharge” amongst the Setswana words. I had no idea what they were talking about exactly but I had an idea. One of the facilitators said, “Dintle, these girls have a question that I think you’d be better to answer. She says her brother told her that if you have yellow discharge as a female it means you need to have sex with a man and then it will turn the healthy white color after sex. Is this true because the other girls say they have been told this by men as well?” I know that this is probably WAY too much information to be writing about on a public blog but I also feel as though you can get a better understanding of how the myths and misconceptions about sex here in Botswana really increase the spread of HIV/AIDS. I gave them the correct answer and hopefully helped them realize that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear and it was great that they were asking these questions. Hearing a question like that initially made me want to laugh and say “hellll no, that’s not true, come on girls!” Unfortunately a lot of Batswana have many questions that may seem silly and ridiculous to me but to them they are very real questions and concerns that if they go unanswered or unquestioned they may make an uninformed decision that could seal their fate negatively. It’s hard to hear things like, “Having sex with a virgin means you can be cured of HIV/AIDS, or as long as you are faithful to both of your girlfriends you don’t have to wear a condom” but I hope that every question I answer I am helping one person realize that they should change their way of thinking even just slightly. Who knows but all I can do is continue to be present at important workshops and make myself available in the village to answer even the littlest of questions.
~If you don’t like Celine Dion then you would certainly go insane living in Botswana. Once a day you hear someone blasting Celine Dion from their house, car or the bar as if she just released a new hit! Someone should tell these Batswana that “My Heart Will Go On” is over 10 years old. Plus it just brings back bad memories of when stupid Rose said; “I’ll never let you go, Jack” as she ripped his frozen hand from hers and watched him sink to the bottom of the Atlantic. Also, she was the one with the lifejacket on, how come SHE got to lie on the floating door? I always hated her.
Today I received TWO packages! One was from my family and it consisted of clothes I asked them to send, heels (yes, even though I live in a desert I tend to look like a hobo in my flats compared to Batswana women who wear heels constantly), flip flops galore, goldfish, Rice a Roni, a National Enquirer magazine which cover story read, “Oprah’s Secret Life as a TEENAGE PROSTITUE!” (Riveting), East Mac ‘n Cheese (although it’s microwavable and I’m pretty sure I’ll go 2 years without seeing a microwave), and a beautiful “Krama” which my brother and his girlfriend got for me while traveling throughout Asia (it’s a scarf). Oh, how could I forget about the Grow Creatures they sent as well? The village kids are going to go bazurk! They are safari animals too, bonus!
The second package was from some friends at home. I almost died because they sent TAMPONS, which is incredible! Ha! Also, there was an array of toothpaste, bug repellent wipes, aloe vera goo, hair bands, sunscreen, sour patch kids, mentos, gum, a book, spices and my favorite part: LETTERS from all of them! Here in Botswana, since I only get to check my email about once every 3 or 4 weeks I am completely out of the loop as to what’s going on at home with them and current events. Although their letters dated back as early as June 6th I LOVED reading what they’ve been up to! I miss them all so much. At least I get to speak with my family every once and a while so I get the family scoop/gossip but with my friends I have to solely rely on a casual viewing of a facebook status here and there. Getting these letters made me feel like I am somewhat caught up in their lives again.
Thank you all so much for making my day AMAZING! I can’t wait to get started on my letters back to you!
~On a side note: I have been here for 4 months and a day! That is absolutely insane in my opinion. I feel weird when I think about calling Botswana my home. I don’t like that realization yet but at least I am not miserable anymore. Plus, instead of hating certain things about the country or the job I just hate that I miss everyone back home…so that’s good, right? There are things that are just starting to fit, slowly but surely and I’m finally excited about the possibilities.
Well, hello Mr. President! 12 August 2010
Today I met the President of Botswana, Ian Khama. What a great experience. I was able to shake his hand and then sit with him and eat traditional Setswana food; seswaa (pounded meat) and dinawa (beans). When we arrived in Mmankgodi where he was visiting, Richard (a Bots 8 Volunteer) and I stood in the back of the crowd while the president and other important people spoke to the residents of the village. I could not understand a word of what was being said because it was all in Setswana but that didn’t take away from the experience. While standing in the back I was trying to go unnoticed as the only white person present, I failed miserably. All the young children turned from listening to the president and stared at me. I smiled and tried to not feel so awkward but it’s hard when you’re staring straight ahead and the people in front of you are turned around staring at you in wonder. Richard was joking around that I was causing a scene…Richard is African American so he tends to blend in from time to time. Needless to say I felt a little strange getting so much attention while the president was there! What can I say? I’m kind of a big deal! Yeah right, if they only knew me personally they wouldn’t take so much interest! Overall it was a very cool experience and I’m glad I was able to have the opportunity to meet him.
Another funny Lekgoa (white person) moment today was when I got on a packed bus with Richard to head to Mmankgodi. There was a man standing in the front and he wouldn’t move to the back like you’re supposed to. The conductor asked him to move to the back so we could all be out of the way of the exit but he just turned to me and said I needed to move to the back…me, not Richard or anyone else. Richard kept laughing hysterically that this guy was telling me that I needed to go to the way back of the bus. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. Just call me Rosa “Dintle” Parks…I stood my ground!
~ I was attending a “Young Women’s Empowerment MCP workshop” which was also primary conducted in Setswenglish, so I can understand the main points but I get lost most of the time. Anyways, some of the girls were asking a question and I kept hearing the word “discharge” amongst the Setswana words. I had no idea what they were talking about exactly but I had an idea. One of the facilitators said, “Dintle, these girls have a question that I think you’d be better to answer. She says her brother told her that if you have yellow discharge as a female it means you need to have sex with a man and then it will turn the healthy white color after sex. Is this true because the other girls say they have been told this by men as well?” I know that this is probably WAY too much information to be writing about on a public blog but I also feel as though you can get a better understanding of how the myths and misconceptions about sex here in Botswana really increase the spread of HIV/AIDS. I gave them the correct answer and hopefully helped them realize that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear and it was great that they were asking these questions. Hearing a question like that initially made me want to laugh and say “hellll no, that’s not true, come on girls!” Unfortunately a lot of Batswana have many questions that may seem silly and ridiculous to me but to them they are very real questions and concerns that if they go unanswered or unquestioned they may make an uninformed decision that could seal their fate negatively. It’s hard to hear things like, “Having sex with a virgin means you can be cured of HIV/AIDS, or as long as you are faithful to both of your girlfriends you don’t have to wear a condom” but I hope that every question I answer I am helping one person realize that they should change their way of thinking even just slightly. Who knows but all I can do is continue to be present at important workshops and make myself available in the village to answer even the littlest of questions.
~If you don’t like Celine Dion then you would certainly go insane living in Botswana. Once a day you hear someone blasting Celine Dion from their house, car or the bar as if she just released a new hit! Someone should tell these Batswana that “My Heart Will Go On” is over 10 years old. Plus it just brings back bad memories of when stupid Rose said; “I’ll never let you go, Jack” as she ripped his frozen hand from hers and watched him sink to the bottom of the Atlantic. Also, she was the one with the lifejacket on, how come SHE got to lie on the floating door? I always hated her.
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